I Need a Pep Talk by Sandra Butel
Feeling fragile and a bit blue by Sandra Butel
I am Sandra Butel and this is my beautywalk.
beautywalk is my intentionally created inward facing and outward pacing path towards a deeper sense of personal worthiness and happiness. My plan is to keep learning and growing and to share with you, my readers, whatever I can that might assist you in finding your own beautywalk path to whatever it is you most dream about. My hope is that some of what I am sharing resonates with you and helps you to move forward, even if only by 1 mm at a time, on your own worthiness journey.
I need a pep talk. That is what the text says that I sent to my partner Francis just 5 minutes ago. I am seated on the single bed of my Airbnb in Sayulita Mexico. I just finished cooking my lunch and somehow when it didn’t taste as good as I had predicted (I made borani banjan with farmers’ market cherry tomatoes and eggplant and red pepper and mint that was fresh 6 days ago when I bought it) but something wasn’t right. It could be that the yogurt in Mexico is pre-sweetened so everything ended up tasting strangely sweet - like rice pudding mixed with savoury vegetables. This is when my mood started to decline and I started to notice how the tears were gathering between my eyes and my lips. There was such a feeling of sadness in my eyes and my whole head was feeling heavy with sorrow.
This was, for sure, not about the disappointing nature of my lunch. It was more a generalized dip in energy and courage to face the work I have ahead of me. My task this last week has been to delve into very painful memories and pull out the tidbits of information that are valid to the continued pursuit of justice for myself through the creation of a clear, articulate narrative that rings true for me. I want someone to take away this sadness, this heaviness, this pain. I want things to be easy and bright and I want to not have to put in more hours on this painstaking process of examining the past in great detail.
My first instinct is to find someone to cheer me up; cheer me on; tell me it is all going to be ok. Thus the text.
Soon it hits me that I know this is not the solution that will have any lasting impact on this heaviness I feel. I know that I have to reconnect with the deeper sense of my wisdom, reconnect with the truth of who I am and get back in there to get this job done.
I know exactly what I need to do to get there. I know that doing some body awareness meditation would help me to get out of the swirling, twirling negativity of my head. I know that I should not listen to, nor believe the voice in my head that says, “you are going to fail”. “You should give up now”. “You are a failure and you will always be one”. “Who do you think you are asking for fairness and respect in a world where so few get it?” What makes you believe that you are worthy of being heard, seen and understood?
Oh those voices. We all have them. In the course I have been taking for sometime now in Positive Intelligence, these voices are identified as the judge and the accomplice saboteurs; whose job it is to keep us in fear at all costs. They strive to keep us operating in the fight or flight part of our brain where painful emotions reign supreme and as the leader of Positive Intelligence, Shirzad Chamine, likes to say, keep our hands on the hot stove. The searing, burning pain of the heat emanating from this metaphorical burner is meant only to indicate to us that something is up; that there is something that we need to pay attention to. Letting our hand stay there for any length of time is just prolonging the agony and getting us very badly burnt in the process.
There is another choice. That choice is to focus on body awareness, sound awareness, visual awareness and bring your attention into the present moment.
This present moment where I am typing on my laptop while I listen to the workers spreading cement on a new build, and my ears pick up the soft sounds of rain falling outside my window. It is February and the breeze is blowing in and touches upon the skin of my bare arms, bringing me back to this place and time. One breath, two breaths, three breaths, four and I am here in Mexico. I am alive. I am healthy. I am absolutely clear on who I am, where I am going with my life, and what I have to offer others in the process.
Each series of breaths; each focus on the sounds around me; each moment of sensing the presence of the breeze upon my skin, represents one more step on my beautywalk of mental fitness.
My beautywalk includes daily practices and reflection and reminders to be in the moment and to build up the part of my brain that holds the positives of empathy, curiosity, a sense of purpose, clear decisive action and creativity.
This is Sandra Butel and this is my beautywalk. Care to join me?
Take 2 minutes right now, no matter what is going on in your day or in your life and just feel into the sensation of your body, wherever it happens to be resting. Feel the pressure of your clothing against your skin. Notice your breath moving in and out as your chest or belly rises and falls.
This space inside you is always available to you to come back to as your place of safety; a refuge when life sends you yet again one more thing to wrestle with.
Postscript. For more on Positive Intelligence check out www.positiveintelligence.com or reach out to me and I can tell you more about how we might work together on building your mental fitness.
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