Putting Fear Aside and Letting Go by Sandra Butel
The perfect first petsit with the gentle giant, Monty by Sandra Butel
I am Sandra Butel and this is my beautywalk.
For those of you that don’t know me or know the deeper details of my story, let me just say that something big happened to me at the end of 2019. For legal reasons I cannot go into more detail at this time except to say that this event marked a huge change in my life. My travels, my new coaching career and my time spent in other peoples’ houses with other peoples’ pets have been part of my journey out of this very painful episode of my life into a new future full of possibilities. beautywalk is my sharing of the steps I took and am taking through and beyond this experience into a fuller sense of who I am. Today’s story harkens back to October of 2021 and my very first pet sit where I ventured to the home of a friend of a friend in Canmore and discovered the delightful 80 lb big black bearlike Monty.
So many images were floating through my brain as I headed out on a morning walk with Monty (my first guide on this personal journey that has taken me from dog fearing to dog loving). This morning’s walk felt different somehow. Monty was especially energized and eager and it could have had to do with wanting to make it past the alley before he pooped, but it felt like he was eager to embrace the day; to smell the smells, to feel the pad of his paws on the cool ground, to see the colours of the leaves as they began their last days in this part of their life cycle.
Could it have been me that was different?
I had gotten up early and did my morning meditation for the first time since I had arrived in Canmore one week before. I had been working on developing a schedule but with all the newness of it; a new town, a new role, a new yoga studio, a new life as a student and all that this entailed, it had been a gradual process getting back to a kind of equilibrium where the basics were covered in a way that I knew best supported my well-being.
Meditating first thing on waking was a clear way to signal to my body and my soul that my personal awakening was the primary focus of my life. I started with breathing in and breathing out and everything else flowed from there. My walk this morning was full of moments of calm and presence. I took in the beauty all around me and was spellbound as a solo leaf fell with a kind of joyful pitching of itself towards its destiny; as it put its fear aside and just let go. There was a sense of calm and peace as the leaf lay still upon the ground, in its state of maximum beauty as it accepted its circumstances and rested joyfully in this, its last step of transformation.
1000 more steps down the path and I was struck by a sense of playfulness as a whole crowd of leaves put their caution to the wind, both literally and figuratively, and shouts of “Let’s do it, team” rung out as they fell in a joyful flurry together. There was such freedom in this new life I had found and my heart was gladdened to see it reflected in the natural world around me. My joyful heart had become such a familiar presence as I launched myself either alone or in a group of fellow risk takers into a new world; a new life; a new way of seeing and experiencing the everyday.
My heart was light and full and I found myself weighing the pound of flesh I was forced to pay against the immense beauty and love I had gained and I found it a price worth paying. I imagined a drawing of my heart ripped out and bleeding and all the things that were lost listed inside: livelihood, trust, reputation, sense of safety, connections, community, legacy, truth of who I am and what I contributed, acknowledgement and the right to leave with dignity after so many years of dedication. On the other side of the drawing was my heart golden and glowing; full of the things I had gained: self-knowledge, self-love, peace, equanimity, freedom to be, personal growth, new perspective and a sense of the endless possibilities that the universe had to offer to me and to others (if only we can find the courage to let go and let ourselves fly into the great unknown).
As I lay upon the ground amongst the other fallen leaves, my brilliant colour braving its last hurrah, a magical thing happened. I was no longer a leaf, dying on the ground, but I became a golden shaft of light that filled the air with both my awesomeness and my potential. I became part of the soil, adding my transformation into the nutrients within and becoming part of the fertile ground upon which the next generation of trees will find their place of safety. Through a process of being seen, heard and understood these seeds of hope and wonder will find themselves planted within potent minds where they will sprout into something that moves beyond this era of victimhood and blame to a new generation of beings that are truly strong, glorious and free.
What is getting in the way of you embracing your own true golden potential?
What do you need to do to launch yourself into the great unknown, your beauty unfurled like the leaves falling in the crisp, autumn air?
This is Sandra Butel and this is my beautywalk. What’s yours?
Postscript. As I prepare to post this blog I am saddened by the news that my dear friend Monty is no longer feeling the pads of his paws upon the snowy ground. My deepest condolences to his humans Pat and Patty and to the many friends that had the privilege to know and love Monty as I did.
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