Perfectly Imperfect; Humbly Human by Sandra Butel
What are the 3 gifts? photo by Sandra Butel
I am Sandra Butel and this is my beautywalk.
beautywalk is my portrait of a way of seeing and being in the world that I have been exploring one step at a time over the last few years. My intention in creating this blog is to share my deep belief that self-actualization starts with knowing and loving all of who we are.
On a recent trip to a small Mexican town I came across the uncomfortable experience of not being able to get cash out of the ATM. I had read several tips about Chacala, on both the welcome letter from my yoga retreat centre, and also on a forum that had reminded me that I should get out cash in a bigger centre before arriving here. I ignored that advice and thus ended up on my second day here with no cash and a hungry belly.
I made my way to the location of one of the 3 known ATMs in the town, and like the other one I had tried earlier that day, the ATM was not working. As the restaurant didn’t take cards I asked the owner what I could do and he suggested that I could e-transfer money. Not knowing how to do this between Canada and Mexico, I thanked him for the suggestion and sat down to order my breakfast, thinking that I would work it out one way or another. Well when it came time to pay I asked if I could come back later to pay after I was able to get money out of the ATM. The owner heartily agreed and I offered to give him my name and phone number and he brushed me aside, stating that he wasn’t worried about me coming back to pay. I decided to book in for supper that night at the same place, giving them some reassurance that I would come back.
So, you must be asking yourself, why am I sharing this story with you now? The most revealing part of this whole story is what I learned by paying attention to what went on in my head and in my body. My first reaction came in the form of heat. The heat of shame. My cheeks were hot and I could feel the familiar flush of colour creeping up on both sides of my face. I was quite overtaken by my reaction and decided to consult my friend Curiosity. I wanted to investigate the story I was telling myself that was leading me to such a feeling of embarrassment and discomfort. I have found through experience that Curiosity is the right friend to call upon when we are faced with uncomfortable situations in our lives.
Was this a story of white middle class privilege? The white woman who had asked a Mexican restaurant owner to give me a break. How readily they had agreed to place their trust in me, even given the centuries of history where my people had not given theirs any kind of break when they needed it. Was I feeling my white guilt and was that what was adding temperature to my pale skinned face and putting me in a vulnerable emotional space?
With the help of Curiosity, I was able to connect with my dear friend Empathy. She popped up her lovely head to say “Ok Sandra honey, you have money and you just have an access problem at the moment and likely the restaurant owners have seen this exact situation many times before and have chosen to trust”. When Empathy shows up, she usually has some kind of warmth to share as she is so ready to give love and support and share compassion for our humanness.
Unfortunately, in this cast of characters that live in my head, there are some less than helpful ones. Today Empathy was no match for Perfectionist, who had other ideas and soon had me back to feeling as if I had gotten too much sun on my cheeks even though I had spent the day indoors. Perfectionist had long ago decided that there was only ONE RIGHT WAY to do things and many, many, many wrong ways to do things. He insists that we must always get it right or others will see through us and reject us.
I took a few deep breaths and focused all of my attention on the feeling of my feet upon the ground. I paused to feel the soft touch of the breeze upon my skin. In this space I created by paying attention to what was going on in my body, I heard Empathy whisper in my ear, “you are kind and generous, Sandra, and you have always paid your debts. You will use your curiosity and determination to find a way to pay this restaurant owner”. Empathy continued in her soft voice, letting me know that it was time to take my hand off the hot stove and simply sit in the humility of my human imperfection.
One of the tools that I am learning more about in my study of Positive Intelligence is the 3 gifts technique, which starts from the premise that each situation can be turned into a gift or opportunity. It was toward this investigation that I next turned my attention.
Gift #1 Knowledge
The first gift I looked at was the gift of Knowledge and I asked myself, “what knowledge have I gained from this situation?” The first obvious bit of knowledge gained was that it would be a good idea to take out cash in a bigger centre before coming to this lovely little place in the future. I also realized that I could take this gift further and share this knowledge with my fellow yoga retreatants who were arriving in 5 days so that they could come prepared with cash in hand.
Gift #2 Power
The second gift I looked at was the gift of Power and the question I asked here was, “what power or skill do I need to build to turn this experience into a gift? I realized that in order to deal with Perfectionist, who hides out in wait to find mistakes he can point his pursed lips and bony fingers at, the skill I needed to build was humility. I had to shift from the mindset that says I know better and more specifically that I am required to know better and that I have to get it right always. Perfectionist was turning the beautiful experience of being in a sleepy Mexican beach town into an occasion to beat me up by saying how he expected more from me and had thought I was smarter than that. Perfectionist’s echoing voice popped up and I, in my humanness, was faced with the reality of how much I was letting this bitter old geezer get in my way.
Gift #3 Inspiration
The third gift I investigated was the gift of inspiration. The question I asked was “ what would this experience inspire me to do differently in my life from this point forward?”. My answer to this one was focused on my spiritual and personal growth. I realized that each time I have been able to sit in this discomfort and be present with the unease in the pit of my stomach, I have become stronger. By witnessing and accepting all that I am, in light and dark and in between, I come closer and closer to the essence of who I truly am.
I reminded myself that rather than getting caught in the undertow of my imperfections, I can bring myself back to the present moment, stop thrashing about as I give up hoping for a more tranquil sea. I can let myself rest and even though I may be shaky, I can connect back to the pure centre in me that knows that if I can have faith and heed my late father’s swimming advice and gently kick my feet, I will, as with every other time before, end up safe on the shore. It is this humble and vulnerable and beautifully imperfect humanness that I have to offer to the world and it is in this self that I find my perfection. Perfectly imperfect. Humbly human.
Are there spaces in your life where you too could use more Empathy and Curiosity and less Perfectionist?
This is Sandra Butel and this is my beautywalk. What steps are you ready to take in building your best life?
Take 2 minutes right now, no matter what is going on in your day or in your life and just feel into the sensation of your body, wherever it happens to be resting. Feel the pressure of your clothing against your skin. Notice your breath moving in and out as your chest or belly rises and falls.
This space inside you is always available to you to come back to as your place of safety; a refuge when life sends you yet again one more thing to wrestle with.
Postscript. For more on Positive Intelligence check out www.positiveintelligence.com or reach out to me and I can tell you more about how we might work together on moving from a life run by Perfectionist to a life lived with Curiosity and Empathy.
Share this newsletter with others by clicking the icons below: