There’s Comfort in Connection

grief love coaching Sandra Butel beautywalk Regina Saskatchewan friendship Soul Friends Stephen Cope Kripalu sauna — *Country roads …* Photo by Sandra Butel

I am Sandra Butel and this is my beautywalk.

beautywalk is all about my intention to seek out beauty wherever I may go. Beauty in the crunch of snow under boots; beauty in the harmony of voices raised in song; beauty in finding connection with other humans.

Baby, it’s cold outside

I am sitting propped up on my red and black plaid flannelette sheets, the temperature having taken a huge dip into the minuses and the windchill making it feel even colder. I stretch out my slippered right foot to flip down the metal handle of the bedroom heat vent before settling under the vintage look white comforter cover. I am looking for warmth and comfort as I do what I can to create the ideal space from which to ponder my latest beautywalk learning.

It is mid January and I have been back in Regina, Saskatchewan for just over a month now. There has been so much activity; connecting with friends, sorting through our belongings, learning more about selling or renting out a house, and tidbits of self-care and life skills that have been coming at me from all directions.

Soul Friends

I started a new course/book club a few weeks back that is based on the work of psychotherapist, yoga teacher and author, Stephen Cope. I came upon Stephen’s work in a writing course I took at his beloved retreat center called Kripalu with one of my favourite memoirists and novelists, Dani Shapiro. She waxed poetic about the life changing impact that Stephen’s book, “Yoga and the Quest for the True Self,” had had on her when she first came across it. When Stephen’s name popped up with the workshop title of “Soul Friends: The Transforming Power of Human Connection,” something in me called out “Yes, Sandra, this is for you.”

The reading and weekly group reflections offered under the guidance of both Stephen and Anandamai Charlyn Reihman, has brought me face to face with some of the questions I have been pondering over the last few years. Questions about what friendship is and what it brings to our lives and how to identify who the people are whose presence in our lives brings us what we presently need. I have had a lot of change in my sense of what community and friendship are over the last few years as I set out on my beautywalk adventures. As I pause to review and release the past, many memories of being held and cared for by loving others come to the surface.

Who are those people in my life with whom a sense of connection has stood the test of time?
What do I need to do about those relationships that no longer serve me?
How can I develop both new and old friendships that will serve me well in my current life?
How can I be a better friend?
How do I hang onto the friends that I will be physically leaving behind when I move away from Regina?

Action

There is a time for pondering all of this as a mental exercise and also, as I have been learning in my coaching practice (both as coach and coachee), there is also a time for action. I start with texts out to a whole diversity of friends with invitations for dinners at our house or out in a new restaurant or suggestions of activities we can do together. I go on a side by side cross country ski date with an old friend, the cold winter warmed only by the depth of our conversation. As our skis slide forward and back and our arms press our poles into the soft snow on either side of our respective tracks, the years that have passed melt away between us. Red cheeked and with smiling eyes and pumping hearts we pack up our skis and poles and make our way across town to a meditation circle offered by another dear friend.

While there is some sense of trepidation in my chest for who might show up there and what their judgment of me might be considering what untruths had already been spread, I settle in to the cozy circle and focus my gaze on the candle-lit statue of buddha and the vase of greenery that is set beside the teacher. The lesson of the week is about the Five Remembrances, another of those Buddhist lists that holds such wisdom and substance for contemplation. We start with the resonance of communal chanting, follow up with a 30 minute guided meditation that is focused on the nature of human life, death and creation. We are asked to take out pens and index cards and to copy out the remembrances and tuck them into someplace where we will come upon them in our lives, day after day.

The Five Recollections or Remembrances
I am of the nature to grow old. There is no way to escape growing old.
I am of the nature to have ill health. There is no way to escape having ill health.
I am of the nature to die. There is no way to escape death.
All that is dear to me and everyone I love are of the nature to change. There is no way to escape being separated from them.
My actions are my only true belongings. I cannot escape the consequences of my actions. My actions are the ground upon which I stand.

Our True Belongings

I find myself back precisely where I have started, in that place of focusing on the nature of life and the change that is an inevitable part of it. I am reminded yet again that my job is to be with and accept what is and to be present with it in whatever way I can. There is so much loss that comes to us in our human lives and there is nothing we can do to keep that from happening. We are human and we are of the nature to get sick and die and to have the things and people we love grow in ways that may take them away from us. I cannot stop this from happening any more than the tree can stop its leaves from falling when the light and energy of autumn starts to wane. I am part of nature, as we all are, and the best way to move through the seasons of our lives is to gently surround ourselves with that which brings us peace and sustenance.

Once again I am led back to that place of doing whatever I can to accept what I cannot change and to focus on what I can. As outlined in the part of the remembrances that floods my eyes and throat during our group recitation, it is our actions that are our only true belongings.

What actions can I take to build the best possible version of my life?

Magic Moonlit Meetup

I step up my game a bit and reach out to a friend who has offered up the warmth of her sauna nestled in a coulee. I take her up on her generosity and create a group chat with a small group of lovely women who I feel might enjoy this experience as much as me. There is the regular back and forth as we all try to adjust our schedules to make the magic moonlit meetup a reality and a trio of us soon find ourselves on a grid road on a blustery weekday on the way to our friend’s acreage.

There is the pause for hugs and laughter and the sharing of the snack foods we have all gathered for the occasion. A massage treatment table becomes our impromptu table as we fill ourselves up with delicious bites that range from cheese and chocolate and cut vegetables to conversation. The electric fireplace is firing and we all breathe a sigh of relief as we fill up our bellies and our hearts with all sorts of wonderful things.

Boots back on our feet we make our way out into the star-filled night around the corner of the house and onto the winding path that descends into a small tuft of trees by a stream before it ends up at the cedar lined wood warmed sauna. There is a point in time where the hillside descends much more quickly than I believe my hip can handle so I simply lower myself to my leggings covered bum and let the snow cool my backside as I slide down the slope. I take my time to get down there, well aware that my boots don’t have the grip that they need and safe in the knowledge that there is no judgment awaiting me at the bottom.

Words swirl around in the essential oil orange scented air as our host adds in the flick of her wrist to the towel held firmly in her right hand, sending the fire’s warmth to wash over our gathered bodies. There is talk of travel and grief and light is shed on each of us as we share our childhood memories. As sweat trickles down the surfaces of my body I feel my muscles relax with a sigh of safety. There is a point in time when our host invites us to get dressed and go outside. Two of us decline and one accepts. Upon their return, there is a point of confusion and later of connection about “the Otter” that is living beneath the surface of the frozen stream. It turns out it is water and not an otter that is alive and moving under the ice. We all laugh as we make our way back out into the prairie night, with its now completely cloud-covered sky.

Calling My Name

There are moments of exclamation and gratitude to the steady hands that guide us home safely on the windy drive back home as snow has drifted in places. I walk into the house, after searching for some time for the key, the faint sound of my name coming to me from somewhere far off in the distance. I look out into the street and turn my head from side to side, wondering who is calling to me in the night air, when I realize that the steady voice repeating, “Sandra, Sandra” in a singsong way is coming from my phone where it has done its own dialling. A dear friend is on the line, laughter in her voice as she answers my query about which friendships of mine will stand the test of time. She is one that has been there to answer my calls with levity and perseverance, waiting for me to realize where the words are coming from. I draw the phone out of my plush pants pocket and I let the gratitude flow forth for her steadfastness.

If your actions are your only true belongings; and the ground upon which you stand, what are the next actions that you are inspired to take in your own life?
Who are those people who will be there with you as you step forward into the ownership of your own best life?

I am Sandra Butel and this is my beautywalk. What’s yours?

Resources for Further Study and Personal Growth

If you are looking for an in person retreat or just a chance to connect with other seekers check out the wonderful programs offered by Kripalu this year.
If you want to learn more about Stephen Cope and find a way to connect with his writing and his teaching, check out his event’s page for more. I have found him to be warm and inviting and have already learned so much from him in the short time I have been taking his course.
If you are ready to delve into your own ‘soul connections’, I am here to be there with you on your journey. Reach out to schedule a free beautywalk session with me. I am currently taking on new coaching clients and am open to whatever type of barter or payment works for you as part of my dedication to the advancement of the moneyless share economy.
My Positive Intelligence based program From Worry to Worthy offers you an opportunity to move yourself from being ruled by the lizard brain to being guided by the wizard brain. Check out the full program details and book your first free session with me to get started. Family discount and friendly barter are acceptable forms of payment!
If you are interested in signing up for TrustedHouseSitters you can get a 25% discount (as well as pass on 2 free months of membership to me in the process).

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