Take a chance

change seasons New Year beautywalk Sandra Butel coaching yoga family inlaws Saskatchewan Zenon Park Southey love leaving grieving — *Lighting up the night ...* Photo by Sandra Butel

I am Sandra Butel and this is my beautywalk.

beautywalk is all about my intention to seek out beauty wherever I may go. Beauty in the crunch of snow under boots; beauty in the harmony of voices raised in song; beauty in finding connection with other humans.

Unstrayed

I am cuddled up in my grey felted slippers, my partner Francis’s navy blue sweatshirt and my bright red patterned fleecy tights that were purchased to keep me warm at night in Montreal’s more humid atmosphere. I am cozy in our king sized bed on Athol Street in Regina, Saskatchewan, on a zoom call with my writer’s group, a source of writing, love and connection that was born out of a Cheryl Strayed writing workshop last spring. I have taken a look at tonight’s offered prompts and have decided instead to take this time to write my next blog post instead.

Take a chance, take a chance …

The theme that has come to me over the holiday season is “Take a Chance”. The first time it is uttered is during a late night card game as one of my sister-in-laws flips over a card in yet another game of what we call Swish. Every time she whispers, “Take a chance, take a chance,” the card she flips up is exactly the right card to move her ahead in the game. It doesn’t matter what has been laid by others before her, every single time the revelation that follows her whispered chant is the perfect card. I start to wonder if this might be a helpful way for me to approach the game and I start to repeat that same mantra when it is my turn.

Soon, all of us around the table are humming and singing these words, the memory of Abba’s hit song “Take a Chance on me” playing in our minds. We press pause on our play and press play on Abba and soon we are all singing along, our voices rising and falling and our dance moves bringing the energy of the 70s into the family home. Oh, how music can bring joy and understanding to our lives.

These words of hope and excitement stay with me through the many days of sliding and skating and snowmobiling to the woods to make a fire and find the Christmas tree and the moments of puzzle making with the various cousins and nephews and nieces and brothers and sister in laws of my partner, Francis, I keep thinking about these words and about what is being offered to me in this, my adopted family.

Endings

For so many years we have split our time at Christmas between my family and his, negotiating how many days we will spend with each of our gathered families.

This year is different.

My Mom and Dad are both dead and buried and my other family members are spread far and wide. There will be no Christmas gathering of the Butel family in 2024. The only moment that we spend in their presence is when Nico, Francis and I stop to visit the Butel gravestone where it lies covered in layers of snow in the Catholic cemetery just outside of my hometown of Southey. Nico and I take our mittened hands and booted feet and clear the snow from the hand carved stone on which my last name and part of his are grafted. This piece of land where my Mother, Father, unknown sister and well loved brother lie, their spirits long gone from this place to wherever we go when we die, is sacred much like this moment of connection amongst us is sacred. We leave so much behind in our lives and yet, there is so much we take with us when we go.

Bittersweet

My mind wanders back to the warmth and busyness of my in-laws home on a multi-family farm near Zenon Park, Saskatchewan. I look around at the latest random gathering of the 4 generations of Marchildons and Marchildon adjacents that have gathered here to celebrate the holiday season and I listen to the words of love that are being shared around me. That mix of bitter and of sweet hits me in the chest and soon the tears fall evenly and freely down my cheeks. I miss my Mom and Dad and I miss the family gatherings in the old Southey home where I grew up. I find myself ready to embrace the “Take a Chance” mantra and open myself to what is being offered to me here at this moment. Another sister in law notices my tears and it brings a pause to her conversation with my partner, Francis. I look at them both and say, “It’s okay, I am fine. It is good for me to get this all out. I am just sitting here noticing how beautiful all of this is. How all of us are taking a chance to share ourselves with those around us; offering up bits and pieces of ourselves to the people that have gathered around us.” They both look back at me, not quite sure what to make of the expression on my tear-stained face. I add in, “I am missing my family of origin right now and at the same time I’m appreciating all the life and love that is right in front of me.”

This sparks a conversation about Francis and my spring plans to clear out, repair and sell our Regina home. Regina, my Honduran sister in law, shares her story of arriving in Canada with only two suitcases which contained, for some reason that she can not recall, a VHS player along with some more essential items. According to her ongoing experience of all that she has left behind it seems that it is not so much the house or the things that will be missed. What brings a pang in our throats is missing the people that are absent from our day to day lives.

Seasons of our lives

Regina compares her journey of transplantation from one country to another to that of a tree in autumn, all of its leaves having fallen to the waste side, its above ground form matching its below ground form almost exactly. For all the world it looks like a bunch of dry sticks, its season of green leaves and bright sweet fruit being forgotten for a time. It is only when the roots are carefully and meticulously placed into a rich new soil, full of the humus of the fallen fruits and leaves of seasons’ past, that we will be able to find the right kind of energy and sunlight to draw up strength from our past experiences to bring forth new growth.

What a gift this is for me to pause and to ponder the seasons of my life; to connect myself, once again to the wisdom and grace of the natural world and to see that I, and indeed all of us, are an integral part of these rhythms. I wonder about the packing up of my own roots in as much bubble wrap as possible until such time as I find the new organic soil that will bring my next season of new growth and beauty. I offer up for your listening pleasure Turn, Turn Turn by the Byrds who in 1965 took a bible verse from Ecclesiastes 3 and turned it into a hit song as a fitting reflective tool.

Gathering seeds

The symbolism of life and death and seeds and new growth continues as my son Nico draws us all into his latest art project, asking questions of his 91 year old Grandmother of her memories of the “helicopter” maple seeds and videotaping her tossing them in the air for, as it turns out, the first time ever. I watch as Nico and his father work on a visual capture of a young man with a ladder, in the snow, in the Saskatchewan countryside, gathering seeds from the tree that has sat largely unnoticed in the yard just beside the driveway, having weathered many a storm and the constant dust storms of large trucks barrelling by on the grid road beside. My heart is so full to be a witness here as I wait to be called into service, sharing my mitts for the shooter’s frozen hands or dividing up the collected seeds so they can be tossed with such panache into the prairie breeze. A snow angel in a dugout, a son’s artistic vision, a father’s ready steady hand and eye coordination and a mother’s sense that something so magical is on its way for all of us, this my little family.

Where will these seeds be planted?
What kind of growth will come?

Preparing for planting

In a coaching session with a dear friend and mentor, Fiji Mcalpine I pause to reflect as she asks me once again what my purpose is in the 3 months I have put aside to be back in Regina until spring. I say one thing or another and she replies, “No that is not your purpose, that is your intention. Try again, Sandra. What is your purpose in doing all of this work?” I press my lips together, I try to reason through it and when nothing comes I take a breath in and ask myself what my purpose is. I think about the songs that have lit up my days these past weeks and I say, “My purpose is to embrace the seasons of my life and to get myself ready for the next planting in fertile ground. My purpose is to prepare for my future as I take a chance on a new life.”

The softest part of our hearts

I am on my yoga mat again at my local haven of peace and building strength, Niche Yoga & Therapy. I am letting myself be guided by the other partner of the dynamic duo of Kate Rivard and Andrea Dorosh today. Andrea has a lot of wisdom and spiritual guidance to offer and I find myself softly reflecting between the back bends and lunges that make up her new sequence for front body month. Some of the positions are surprisingly difficult, my right leg and hip resisting what seem to be the simplest of postures. I lay my head down on the mat to get my courage up again and I try again, this time succeeding in getting the smallest bit of extra stretch out of my stiffness. I am called to attention by the chords and melody of a familiar yet unclear song; a cover of a song that I have heard so many times but whose meaning has never registered with me before. Landslide, the Fleetwood Mac song written by Stevie Nicks in 1973 is being covered by an unknown artist and the sound of her voice and her drawn out phrasing has me listening intently to the words. Snippets make their way into the softest part of my heart, “even children get older, I took my love, took it down, the changing season tides,” and before I know it, I can’t help myself and I am singing along, tears filling my eyes in between poses.

At the end of the class I ask Andrea about that one song, and without me giving any of the lyrics she knows just which one I mean. She tells me that the artist’s name is Baby Rose and says the word landslide, which to be honest, I have not even noticed is in the song. I head home and I search up this particular version, which I share with you here for your listening pleasure. I spend some time listening to it over and over, writing down what lyrics I can through the blur of water coming from my tender heart and falling down my cheeks onto the lined paper of my latest Claire Fontaine notebook. Tears fill my eyes even as I write this now and I know that this is a sign that this is another theme song to add to this time of my life. I share the lyrics here for you in hopes that this will touch something in you as well and you can benefit from the artistry that, as shared with me by a friend as a paraphrase of writer on songwriting, Sheila Davis, that our goal is to take a personal story and make it universal so that it can be heard by someone else and become personal once again.

Landslide
I took my love, I took it down
Climbed a mountain and I turned around
And I saw my reflection in the snow covered hills
'Til the landslide brought me down
Oh, mirror in the sky, what is love?
Can the child within my heart rise above?
Can I sail through the changin' ocean tides?
Can I handle the seasons of my life?
Mmm
Well, I've been 'fraid of changin'
'Cause I've built my life around you
But time makes you bolder
Even children get older
And I'm gettin' older, too
Well, I've been 'fraid of changin'
'Cause I've built my life around you
But time makes you bolder
Even children get older
And I'm gettin' older, too
I'm gettin' older, too
Ah, take my love, take it down
Oh, climb a mountain and turn around
And if you see my reflection in the snow covered hills
Well, the landslide will bring it down
And if you see my reflection in the snow covered hills
Well, the landslide will bring it down
Oh, the landslide will bring it down
by Stevie Nicks

The next step

As I step into 2025 it is with a clear focus on doing whatever I can to “Take a Chance”, embrace the potentiality of what is and let myself be with both the bitter and the sweet. I invite you to join me on this journey in whatever way most resonates with you, in whatever season of your life you are in.

What step can you take today to “Take a Chance” on yourself, on love, on living your best possible life?
What dream is calling to you to step forward, accept what is and lean into what is being offered?

I am Sandra Butel and this is my beautywalk. What’s yours?

Resources for Further Study and Personal Growth

If you are ready for your own travels from where you are to where you truly want to be, I am here to be there with your on your journey. Reach out to schedule a free beautywalk session with me. I am currently taking on new clients and am open to whatever type of barter or payment works for you as part of my dedication to the advancement of the moneyless share economy.
My Positive Intelligence based program From Worry to Worthy offers you an opportunity to move yourself from being ruled by the lizard brain to being guided by the wizard brain. Check out the full program details and book your first free session with me to get started. Family discount and friendly barter are acceptable forms of payment!
If you are interested in signing up for TrustedHouseSitters you can get a 25% discount (as well as pass on 2 free months of membership to me in the process).

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