On grieving
On grieving ... Photo by Amy Senécal Côté
I am Sandra Butel and this is my beautywalk.
beautywalk is all about my intention to seek out beauty wherever I may go. Indescribable beauty that can be found in the deep roots of the tree of my life; in the fragile buds that peak their way out into the uncertain warmth of the early spring; in the seeds and leaves that are dropped from the tree in the fall and, in all the tiny ways that life has of continuing to grow and flourish amidst the chaos and destruction that is all around us.
On Grieving
Time flies by with no concerns for all of us left behind, swift like a flock of birds dancing in unison up into the sky.
Where did it go?
Did I do all I wanted to do with it?
What will I do now that I have less of it?
The grieving point hits as I step into the Thursday of my last week in my latest humble abode in the Côte Saint-Paul area of Montreal. I plan it away, thinking ahead to all I need to do before the day I leave this place behind. I find myself holding onto the discomfort of what is to come as if it is a hand knit sweater that my Mom or Grandma made for me. The tears well up in my eyes and I know somehow that this sadness is not about leaving this latest apartment space. Grief has come to find me. To call me out of my place of comfort and the building of my new life and invite me back into the wintery spaces inside.
It comes in waves
I have been reading Lucy Hone’s Resilient Grieving: How to find your way through a devastating loss, and am finding comfort in this simple and heartwarming book based both in Lucy’s personal experience and in her research and practice in Psychology and its study of resilience. There is something about it that is clicking with me right now. It moves away from stages of grief as outlined by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross and onto a more organic way of looking at it; a way of seeing it as an in and out, up and down. Grief is presented as an oscillation, where we move between moments of being with the hurt and accepting what has happened and moments of much needed time away from the pain of loss once we reach our limit for being in the hurt parts. The author and the research argues that this doesn’t mean we are in denial as Kübler-Ross’s stages have long suggested, but that the process of avoiding the deeper depths of our despair is itself a part of our healing. We need the positive, we need breaks, we need time to get away from it all and just leave it behind us so we can figure out how to live our lives without the person, place or thing that we have lost.
Going inside .. Photo by Amy Senécal Côté
Rest and restore
How fitting it is then that I find myself at a 4 day Restore Retreat , presented by Naturotherapist, certified yoga and meditation teacher Angela Boismenu at the restful Spa Eastman in Quebec’s Eastern Townships? This year is the fifth anniversary of this annual retreat and the occasion is made all the more special by the addition of guest teacher, Luxembourg-born Hatha yoga and intuitive movement teacher, Elody Hafner.
From the Spa-Eastman website:
Enjoy 5 restorative days of pure magic on this life-changing getaway. Regulate and calm your nervous system with meditation, sound, movement, nordic spas, and above all, rest! Repair and restore your digestive system and reduce whole-body inflammation with the award-winning, unbelievably delicious and detoxifying Tonique Cuisine®.
Reading the above advertisement and the time over the last two months in which I have gotten to practice with both Angela and Elody at Verdun’s Liv Yoga was enough to convince my past self that this was the experience my future self so sorely needed.
How wonderful it is when the pieces start to come together and we can, even without stealing a look at the box, catch a glimpse of what future creation we have been building, one little piece at a time?
Angela is a delight to be around, as much for her beautiful heart as her dry sense of humour. She had so much to offer to me on my retreat, including the moment that brought tears to my throat when she said, “If you want one of us to come stand beside you as you go through your experience, just put up your hand.” How powerful it was for me to know that there is always someone there who I can call on to stand beside me, firm and strong, witness to whatever human struggle I happen to be going through on that day.
Elody was the perfect balance to Angela and more than one of the retreatants commented on how well their strengths and presence complimented one another. She is a powerful yet gentle soul who speaks softly and moves with such purpose and delight, making everyone around her feel ready to play and rejoice in all that our bodies are able to do. With such care she offered the power of her hands to us, whether it was on our chests while in a long Savasana or in the wonderful legs up the wall foot rub she gave, her energy is pure grace in motion.
It’s about time
When the time arrives for my focus on rest, wellness and ritual, I realize I am in an even deeper state of need for all that is being offered here. I step into this experience a bit unsure of what I might find and come out of it with so much more clarity on what my body, mind and spirit need in order to find peace and ease and healing. In between the restorative yoga, sound baths, meditation sessions, gentle movement and hands-on care, there is time spent in hot tubs, various saunas, and even daily cold dips in an indoor pool and eventually in a mostly frozen pond. Interspersed between the meals that are prepared for us with love and care, there is time for connection and learning and hours and hours of building puzzles with others who, like me, find this process a relaxing and restful way to pass the time. One piece at a time, as relative strangers learn about one another, discussing hormones and neurotransmitters and life challenges and our family stories and whatever else comes up as we focus our energy on building something together; making order out of tiny coloured fragments of chaos.
The words that come to me
If you noticed that I skipped a week in my blog this is the reason why. I was resting and giving myself the much needed space and time to fully immerse myself in the depth of the sadness and grief I have been feeling. The writing that came up while I was at the retreat was more in the form of short pieces of poetry. I needed a break from my regular routines of the past two years of my beautywalk blog. I am going to share these here in the hopes that some part of the truth of the experience will come through without the need for my regular long winded explanations.
REST
Words on a page
pen in hand
rest my dear one
rest
Here where the winter
has come once again
it’s soft blanket
covering everyone
Welcome Elder Sandra
The time has come in my life to use a meditation stool instead of sitting cross legged on a cushion. As I settle my bum and sit back on the smooth light coloured wood, I can feel the fleece blanket and tights cozy against my knees. There is a ‘hm’ and a sense that now I have become part of the group of elders who I have watched sit back on this wooden support throughout all the years of my meditation practice. I feel them here beside and behind me, pressing their fine lined hands against my shoulders; letting me know that they are here, welcoming me with the words, “Welcome Elder Sandra. Congratulations for all you have weathered to find yourself here. This is where the real fun begins; where you can settle into the quiet and introspective nature of your older self.
We will be with you as you go about your day, as you move your body and attention to the outdoors and as you take in the wonder of the young deer wandering across the freshly fallen snow of your path. We will be with you as you hear the crunch of your size 9 Hokas, orange and gay against the white. Take your time, bend your knees, pay attention to the lift and slide of your feet; carefully placing each one down before starting the whole process over again.
Winter’s soft blanket ... Photo by Sandra Butel
Post chant reflection
Repetition breeds some kind of comfort, even with words in a language I do not speak. Singing with other voices, as we modulate and vibrate and harmonize is something that holds so much power within. It occurs to me part way through how much I want to learn more about using my voice and spend more time singing. I have the thought that I can ask Francis to teach me and can practice with him this winter as I make grieving beautiful. As I take all that is stirring up in me and I give it room to glow and bloom and bring more oxygen to the world around me.
The tangle of threads within me are waiting for me to slowly and patiently and compassionately draw them out one by one until they are ready to be rewoven into the beautiful tapestry of future me. Again and again I pull on one string, gently so it does not break, and I follow its tone and colour to the source of where its tangle starts. Meticulous work this is. Work that requires a clear heart and sufficient light to see the specific shade of string and follow it along to where it all began.
Sound Bath Visualization
Colours flood my mind, starting with a deep red lotus flower frozen under the ice, morphing into a deep burgundy and then purple like my favourite spring coat and scarf before moving into an icy nordic blue and ending in the purest light filled white. Layers and layers and layers of snow and a girl figure skating with her red toque and mitts and such a big smile as she makes loops on the ice. Snow is melting all around the hole in the icy pond where I may plunge my body in later. The sounds of the singing bowls push away the banks of snow and melt the ice around until all that is left is white, pure white and I am nothing but opening and release.
Letting go
The see-through fragile white of a simple piece of Kleenex seems insufficient to hold the volume of the tears that are yet to be shed. Yet still it shows up ready and willing to do its part to hold space for all that we as humans need to let go of. Mountains and rivers and streams and oceans worth of tears for all that we have lost; for all those parts of ourselves that have forgotten the soft touch of kindness, whether from without or from within.
Hands
The laying of our human hands upon the body is a gift that each of us have both to give and to receive. These flesh covered tools that press and squeeze and caress and make manifest the depth of love that lies within.
My own hands can be the caregivers that touch softy; that tap me awake with a friendly, “Hi, how are you doing?” Or a brush that flows from top to bottom releasing surface tension as particles of fine dust into the air. This process of grounded letting go, of feeling my feet upon the earth, reminding me of all there is and all there will ever be, just here and just now and just this.
Icy plunge
One foot, two feet, knees, thighs.
Bend and lower until the water touches upon my gooseflesh covered breasts.
You stand by to offer support, breathing deep enough from your position on the shaky ice and snow covered deck so that I can hear; a beacon of regularity in a world made new by mismatched season and swim.
One step at a time … Photo by Elody Hafner
Peace by piece
I am building another puzzle today and am getting ready to put it, partially finished, back in the box. Ready to call out that this is too hard and that I am just not interested in getting into the minute details of which little piece with flowers on it goes with which other little piece with flowers on it. The flowers are very much alike and at some point I foresee a future time of search with trial and error as my only tools. I pick up a piece and notice far off in the distance a little bit of colour and shape and shading and I know where the piece goes.
So then I think, “Wait a minute.” I was ready to give up and suddenly here I am finding another piece of the puzzle. I am coming to know this truth somewhere deep inside of me, away from all the opinions of my fear based left brain, that this is how the creative process always works. The healing process too, come to think of it, where we try one thing out to see if it fits, to see if the edges and the shape of what is being offered to us is what we need right now or if we need to take a break from the puzzle building all together. We go back and forth, our hands in and out of the box so many times that we begin to know the pieces intimately. We see a little bit of red at the corner of a flush of green and, “Wait, is that a hint of white there too?”
A voice of wisdom echoes inside my head. I imagine it to be the sweet voice of my Mother, so recently departed from her much loved place upon the earth. “Trust the process. Trust that you have everything you need to do what it is you are meant to do. Trust that this is what being human is all about. Trust that this is just what it is. Trust that if grief is coming full on now that this is what needs to be here now.”
I am Sandra Butel and this is my beautywalk. What’s yours?
Trust the process Photo of my Mom by my Dad
Resources for Further Study and Personal Growth
For further insight on how to survive the devastating losses that come to visit all of us humans at many points in our lives I highly recommend the following resources:
Dr. Lucy Hone’s book Resilient Grieving as well as the work she is doing with the collective of caregivers at Coping with Loss is a great place to start.
Angela Boismenu brings much care, attention and unique skills to trauma informed healing, meditation and yoga.
Elody Hafner offers up a unique and refreshing approach to yoga and movement and moving with her has done much to help with my grief.
I would be remiss if I did not include the work of Viktor E. Frankl, Man’s Search for Meaning which delves deeply into the question of what we can do after devastating losses have come to visit our lives.
Another must read is Dr. Edith Eger and her books, The Choice and the Gift which were both instrumental in my own process of accepting what is and in finding a way to move ahead after a series of losses in my personal and professional life.
I realized as the words of Angela took roost in the nest of my human head that I too am here to be a witness; that I am here to offer myself as a strong, solid and loving presence to whomever is ready to raise their hand and ask. Do not hesitate to reach out for your free beautywalk session. You deserve to be heard, seen and understood. We all do.
If you are interested in signing up for TrustedHouseSitters you can get a 25% discount (as well as pass on 2 free months of membership to me in the process).
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