Breaking it down

Sandra Butel beautywalk yoga coaching fall butterfly transformation Fiji McAlpine Pema Chodron William Wordsworth disintegration happiness — *Falling to pieces...* Photo by Sandra Butel

I am Sandra Butel and this is my beautywalk.

beautywalk is an internal and external process of learning to walk softly and with kindness and focus on whatever terrain happens to be opening up in front of me.

Poetry helps

“The world is too much with us; late and soon,
Getting and spending, we lay waste our powers: -
Little we see in Nature that is ours;
We have given our hearts away, a sordid boon! … ”
by William Wordsworth

Those words of William Wordsworth come to me as I sit down to write this week’s blog. I am seated at a desk in my latest pet sit on a quiet residential street in the South West part of Montreal. The tree outside my window has finally given up all of its leaves and is readying itself for the winter that will most surely come.

Lately I have been grappling with that recurring fact; that whatever we do the seasons will keep coming and leaving and coming and leaving. As Wordsworth laments in his famous poem, we humans are part of nature, not separate from it as we have so often been instructed, not above it, nor below it, but mixed up in the whole messy and magical flow of it.

What can we learn from the signs and shifts around us?
What does the tree outside my window have to teach me about my own journey through the seasons?
What can I grasp that will ease my fear and discomfort as I delve into the latest down wave of mood and inspiration?

Pick me

There are so many thoughts floating around in my head right now, vying for attention and for the honour of being put down on the page. They all say, “Pick me, Sandra, pick me,” and I smile a little as I wait and see which of the storylines will open up in front of me, each letter typed a mystery until my fingers have completed their latest dance routine.

Resisting

The last few weeks I have been struggling as the peace and ease that have been my almost constant companions have stepped out on me for a while. Part of it has to do with the functioning of my thyroid gland and an increase in the symptoms related to my Hashimoto’s Disease. Hashimoto’s is an autoimmune disorder where the body sees a threat that isn’t there and sets out to attack the healthy tissues of this essential gland whose job is to regulate and support our metabolism, growth and development.

My first reaction is to resist. I do not want to be feeling what I am feeling. I do not want to go back to a place of dis-ease. I insist to myself that this is not happening. I toss and turn, I numb and avoid, I lament my life in a middle aged female body. My ego gets involved and I spend a while thinking that this type of low mood should be a thing of my past. I am beyond this now and there is no way I am going to accept that my self-doubt and fear and deep sadness are back to stay.

So here I am mirroring what is happening inside my body. I am using my mental capacity to react negatively to the threat I have detected and am in attack mode against the healthy parts of myself. Adding insult to injury as they say, by putting more strain and more angst into the whole experience.

I am happy to note that this part of the process doesn’t last as long as it used to and I soon turn to the teachers and teachings that have helped me when life has thrown hard times my way.

Back to basics

I go back to the basics. I make myself a to-do list that includes those practices that have helped to ground me in the past. I start back into my daily yoga sessions at Liv Yoga studio on Wellington Street which was named the coolest street in the world by TimeOut magazine last summer. I follow the prompts of one of my favourite meditation teachers, Jeff Warren, as I reinstall the Calm app on my phone. I reach out to my doctor to ask for assistance and an increase in my desiccated bovine thyroid capsules that are designed to give my thyroid gland a fighting chance against the unjust onslaught that so many women my age experience as we make our way through the perils and illuminations of menopause.

I put my ipods in my ears for my 30 minute walk to the yoga studio and back and listen to the words of Dan Harris, Carlye Adler and Jeff Warren in their book, “Meditation for Fidgety Skeptics”. I talk with my partner Francis, I reach out to my dear wise friend and healer, Christie Langen and I let myself share the pain of my struggles with my current state of mind and body. I am determined to find a way to sign a peace treaty between my mind and my body and my body and my thyroid gland. I find podcasts and blogs that are dedicated to Hashimoto’s and take a deep dive into this condition that up to now had been regulated by the presence of that SSRI, Citalopram that I weaned myself off of in the summertime. I read about the impact of alcohol on the thyroid gland and learn that caffeine can interfere with the absorption of the healing that is contained in those little capsules that the kind Jordanian pharmacist has been filling from ground down cow thyroid glands for me for over 7 years now. I set up a schedule that outlines for me, in intervals of 5 to 10 minutes, what my morning routine will be, leaving 45 minutes to an hour between taking my desiccated beef and vitamin D and the making and consuming of the mushroom laden Pureshrooms coffee I have recently added to my diet for clarity and boosted mood.

Vision Quest

I take steps back towards the comfort of those whose words and presence have offered solace and an opportunity for a shift in my point of view in the past. I accept an invitation from my dear friend, yoga teacher and coach, Fiji McAlpine to attend an afternoon of reflection, yoga and connection that she has titled “Vision Quest: A Community Gathering”. Her invitation reads as follows,

“We will explore a world of infinite possibilities, embracing abundance, and celebrating our own unique gifts. This is an opportunity to expand our perspective and connect with community.”
Fiji McAlpine

I arrive, fresh from a session at Liv Yoga with the undeniable magic of Angela Boismenu, a new teacher whose way brings me great joy, and ready myself, my laptop propped on a wicker chair in front of the burnt orange couch, propped up with pillows of pattern and colour and shape behind me. As usual with any time I spend with Fiji I am struck as much by her joy and light filled presence as I am by her uncanny ability with words. She invites us to take some time for insight, which in her playful way with words she says as “In - sight; referring to an inward journey; a looking inside of ourselves for a process of revealing rather than getting.”

Her words reflect the essence of my coaching learning that each one of us has everything we will ever need to move forward in our lives and it is patiently waiting to be discovered inside of us. All we need to do is, “Zoom out from chaos so that you can see the structure, plan or intended outcome,” that has magically been waiting inside of ourselves all this time.

When Fiji starts to get into the metaphor of the caterpillar and the butterfly my ears perk up and my writer’s mind is reminded of how the thyroid is butterfly shaped. Perhaps I am, right now, like the caterpillar or the tree outside my window, in the middle of the process of seasonal transformation. Fiji goes on to say that the metamorphosis of, “caterpillar to butterfly is not pretty and it is indeed quite painful. If you zoom in you will think the caterpillar is dying. If you zoom out you can see what was gained.” There is magic at play here as these ideas come to me of their own accord. I am being led by a force much larger than my conscious mind; encouraged to open myself up to my own limitless potential.

As Fiji suggests the changing of the season is there for us humans to bring us back to the same lesson again and again; this lesson of dis-integration as we watch the leaves drop off the trees into a pile on the ground where they join all their friends at various stages of rotting before they are picked up and their energy is added to the compost pile for the next season’s growth. I had heard recently that if a tree refuses to stop sending energy to its leaves, refusing to accept that it is time for them to lose their greenness and let go, the result will be that the tree will be weakened and will not be able to produce leaves and fruit the following season. Fiji invites us to think of the healthy tree that says each fall season, “I am not sending energy to the leaves anymore.” The leaf then says, in a moment of clarity, “I guess I have to let go now.”

What leaves am I refusing to stop sending my energy towards?
What negative ways of thinking have I held onto out of habit or because of the fear of what comes after letting go?
What obstacles am I placing in my own way as I enter into the next phase of my transformation?

Nature’s plan

I take this wisdom back to the health of my body and mind as I dip back into the identification of those things that I must stop putting in my body and mind as they negatively impact the functioning of my thyroid gland and my ability to keep my mind focused on the acceptance of what is, without clinging to it or pushing it away. I am again moving towards that wonderful place of equanimity, where I find myself at ease with what is, whatever it might be, secure in the deeper wisdom that is at work; the magic of nature’s plan that I will never be able to fully comprehend.

True Happiness

The next step on my path back to the essence of who I am is to pull up an audiobook of the teachings of the wonderful Pema Chodron, whose fluidity with words is intermixed with the delightful tinkling of her light hearted giggles. Listening to her speak is a boon for my mind and soul and I bookmark many sections of “True Happiness,” which she delivered as a series of dharma talks at Gampo Abbey in Nova Scotia. How easily she speaks about our human tendency to try to get away from unpleasantness;

“We are always trying to free ourselves from misery but we go about it the wrong way. We are always chasing after something …”
Pema Chodron

She points us back to being present with the small sweetnesses; that which, “lifts our spirits and brings us happiness.” She speaks of that secret to lasting happiness that has been whispered in our ears and I know exactly what she is talking about. She speaks of steadfastness; that quality of sticking with ourselves and of having trust that we are where we need to be, doing what we need to be doing, right here and right now.

Pema’s words draw me into the centuries of wisdom that point out the way to break this cycle of mind. These teachings tell us that we must open our eyes to the reality of what is rather than run away or try to brush it aside. We must allow ourselves to take some time to be a witness to that which is occuring inside of us; to pause when we see it and rather than drop back into the familiar habit of reacting in anger or self-recrimination or shame or sadness we do something else - anything else. We experiment with what the next step can be and we pay attention to how we feel when we do it.

Picture the caterpillar

I picture the caterpillar, her insides melting into a formless goo, with no idea of what is to come. How afraid she must be as everything she has come to know dissolves all around her.

From my zoomed out perspective, I nod knowingly, compassion in my heart at her last moments of struggle to fight off the dis-integration, calm in the knowledge of the magic transformation that is about to lift her up with wings of deep blue that will soon spring as if by magic out of her pure potential. Of course she has no idea that this is what is going to happen. All she can see and feel is the darkness and the pain and the end of what she thought was her forever form.

I take a deep breath, the dimple in my left cheek gently making its presence known once again. What if I stop resisting and just trust in myself and the magic of the universe? What if I do as Fiji offered and let the changing of the seasons be my guide? I try my best to recall the words that Fiji offered as I repeat the mantra,

“I am ready to give into the higher version of me.”

I stand tall in the middle of my current living room, my chest wide open and my wings spread wide, ready for whatever magical mystery will reveal itself to me next.

I am Sandra Butel and this is my beautywalk. What’s yours?

Resources for Further Study and Personal Growth

For more from the wonderful Fiji McAlpine check out her online offerings and her wonderful Mexican retreat. Perhaps you can take the spot that I have had the privilege and joy of filling up for the last 3 years.
For more from the inimitable Pema Chodron you can check out her foundation or find her dharma talks and books on your favourite online library.
Angela Boismenu, along with her Liv Yoga colleague, Elody Hafner, is hosting her fifth annual retreat December 4th - 8th, 2024 at Spa Eastman, in the heart of the Eastern Townships. If you are in the area and have the time and finances, I would love if you would come join me as I step into deep self-care and restoration.
My offering as Coach Sandra is to listen and be open as we co-create a space where you can embrace your own dis-integration and reintegration. I can help you to brainstorm your own practice as we lean into the comfort of a one on one coaching relationship. With my deepest gratitude for the power of coaching to bring more joy to both coach and coachee, I am thankful to be able to offer you an hour long free beautywalk session.
My Positive Intelligence based program From Worry to Worthy offers you an opportunity to move yourself from being ruled by the lizard brain to being guided by the wizard brain. Check out the full program details and book your first free session with me to get started. Friends and Family discount applied to all newsletter subscribers and your friends and family too! I am open to creative barter offers as part of my dedication to the advancement of the moneyless share economy.
If you are interested in signing up for TrustedHouseSitters you can get a 25% discount (as well as pass on 2 free months of membership to me in the process).

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