Rest easy baby

beautywalk Sandra Butel The Still So Lodges Retreat Rest Women Self care Coaching Letter from Love Nine Types of Rest Letting Go Yoga — *This is rest ...* Photo by Sandra Butel

I am Sandra Butel and this is my beautywalk.

beautywalk is a delightful and sometimes uncomfortable adventure that takes us far beyond what we had previously imagined possible, into the wide world of our greatest potential.

So Lodges, Bromont Quebec, The Still Retreat

This past weekend I had the opportunity to step away from life in the big city as I joined my dear friend Shawna for a trip to the Eastern Townships area of Quebec for a women’s retreat focused on rest. In true beautywalk form, what follows is my attempt to put the multi-faceted experience into a semblance of order so that it may serve both me and anyone else who takes these words into their own minds, hearts and bodies. May we all find some comfort here as we make our ways, both together and separately, through the very real ebbs and flows that make up our daily lives as humans on our beautiful and trouble filled and never fully resting planet.

Stolen moments with words, pens slide on paper
The soft sounds of feet, stick and unstick to the cool cement floor
Women gather for care, women become still
Our voices intermingle, our connections swirl and drift
A gong’s sustaining note fades back into the mystery from whence it came
A fire lit in the corner, a request for more warmth
As we lie our bodies and burdens down upon the solidness of the earth
Nowhere else to be, no one else to take care of
Just for now, this moment is for us
This is rest
Sandra Be

What is rest?

Besides the obvious physical rest that I have struggled with at various times in my life, what other types of rest are there that I can put my attention and intention to? Our resident weaver of words, Debbie, outlines 9 types of rest for us that are loosely based on Steph Barron Hall’s posting to Instagram in 2019.

These are:

1. Physical Rest

This one is all about resting our body and is likely one that most of us are familiar with already, either as a source of great comfort or of one of great struggle. There have been times in my life when sleep has been a great and easy gift and other times, like now, when it is as elusive as the winning of a $1 million lottery windfall. There is a whole wealth of research and tips out there for how we might find our ways towards more sustained and restful sleep. Physical rest can also be about taking time out of our over busy lives to lay prone upon the floor, covered up in a warm blanket, with a bolster or some kind of prop holding up our knees as in the one of my favourite yoga poses known as Savasana, or corpse pose.

2. Mental Rest

Debbie describes this one as a rest away from our constant thinking, from the responsibilities we carry (especially as women), and as a break away from our desire to fix things for everyone around us. It can also be a pause from our tendency towards the planning and scheduling of our future moments. Debbie definitely pushes some of the retreatants’ buttons when on the first day she states that there will be no schedule for the weekend and that she will let us know what is going to come next when it is time for us to know. There are a few audible groans and eyes connect as those who know this is going to be hard for them find their counterparts and sources of support for what is to come.

3. Sensory Rest

This one translates most clearly for me as a step away from the non-stop dopamine driver of our phones and laptops and pings of our e-mail inboxes. This type of rest can also be the result of our efforts to break away from the constant noises, overwhelming smells and as Debbie calls it “The Big Light” that she chooses to dim to its lowest and most gentle setting in the evening time. This type of rest is all about recognizing some of the stressors that are placed on our senses in our regular everyday lives and finding a way to get a break from the constant stimulation of our nervous systems. Gathering in a country hideaway far from the traffic sounds of the city and the noises of our family conflicts and gathering in a candlelit room with the luscious smells of healthy foods is a perfect way to cultivate this type of rest for those of us who gather for this weekend retreat.

4. Creative Rest

This one resonates with me in my current process of getting deeper into the writing of my first memoir and involves stepping away from having to be creative and giving ourselves a break from having to produce something of artistic value. For me in my current work it is about finding ways to balance the time I spend working on getting deep into the experience of a certain difficult period of my life with activities that have nothing at all to do with producing art from this painful past experience.

5. Emotional Rest

This one is all about acknowledging our feelings without adding on the immense weight of judgment that usually comes down on us after. It is about telling ourselves that what we feel is what we feel and that this is just the way it is and that it is okay. I wonder too how much this can be seen as a break from carrying the emotional weight of all of those around us who are suffering and letting their feelings just be what they are without trying to fix them and make them all better as if they are ‘boo-boos’ that we cannot simply kiss away with our magical mothering.

6. Social Rest

This is one that I know well and is all about taking a break from social interactions and having some solo time. From the work I have done in coaching I know that this one is often very difficult for women to give themselves space and time for. I remember clearly all the times that I cancelled out on my friends and my JOMO (the joy of missing out) at saying no to their generous invitations when I realized that what I really wanted was more time on my own. The title of Jess Pan’s book, “Sorry I’m late, I didn’t want to come,” resonated with me for this very reason.

7. Spiritual Rest

This one goes deep and is about taking time to connect to our deeper beliefs as we remind ourselves of those values that we hold as most precious in our lives. For me it is about letting go of anything that doesn’t fit into the higher values of who I really am and what value I bring to society in the wonderful wholeness of who I am. This one can also involve spiritual and religious practices; anything that connects us to the source of what makes life a magical and enriching experience. For me this would be yoga, meditation, visualizations, or simply watching a candle burn down over time while I slowly and silently eat my breakfast (more on this one later).

8. Cultural Rest

This one is a big one for women and involves breaking free from the norms of what our society, our families and our cultures of origins expect from us. This is about finding a space where we believe in our own worth outside of what the outside world has to say to and about us, whether these viewpoints remain spoken or unspoken. Letting go of what others think of us is part of what I love about the book, “The Courage to be Disliked,” which comes up again and again as one of my recommendations to fellow people pleasers like myself.

9. Vocational Rest

This one is about taking time away from our day jobs and from the roles we play within. Given the metamorphosis I have gone through in my work life over the last few years, I experience this one differently than most of the people at the gathering. Being ‘Boss Lady’ and then not being boss lady has given me a long term rest from letting myself be defined by my vocation and my vocational outputs. I can attest that not defining myself by my job title has been a long process of letting go that has brought me into a much more restful state overall.

Debbie went on to add that all of these kinds of rest ebb and flow in our lives and pointed out that there will be times when we are more in need of one of these types of rest than the others.

Aha moment

For me the aha is in knowing and naming all of these kinds of rest so that I can review and pay attention both to the ones that I have already integrated into my personal practice and those that will need more work to become an ongoing habit. We are invited to circle the types that we are reasonably good at. I feel such gratitude as I circle all 9 of them in turn. I remember back to only 5 years ago when I would have had difficulty making even one circle, as I was, as reflected in the words of my therapist, “Not very good at doing nothing or even in knowing what doing nothing looks and feels like.”

It is such a gift to have a moment to pause and reflect on how far I have come on my personal journey and how much my current lifestyle has made so much room for all of these different kinds of rest. I am also encouraged to know that this gathering of 9 different kinds of rest is a tool that I can pass on to other women, whether you are my readers or my coaching clients or my friends.

Silent Meal

Drawing on the work of Thich Naht Hahn and a wee little book on his instructions for eating as a practice of meditation and mindfulness, Debbie leads us through a practice of silent breakfast (to the obvious chagrin of quite a few of the women present). We are just beginning to get to know one another and from the volume and crescendos of words that are moving back and forth in the spaces between and amongst the 13 women gathered there, it comes as a shock that we are being asked to refrain from conversing with one another for a full 20 minutes as we eat our breakfast. We are each given a candle and a handmade clay candle holder, that Debbie describes as having had to “Dry for 2.5 weeks, as even clay can break when put under too much pressure.”

We are instructed to savour every bite as we focus on the taste and texture and temperature of the food as we keep the silence together. I can sense the doubt and discomfort in some of the faces around me as well as curiosity and calm in some of the others. I look forward to this exercise, silence and aloneness being something I have gotten very used to in my beautywalk travels. I am flooded with compassion for all those around me as I wonder how this exercise will be for each one of the women gathered here.

I am intrigued in my writer’s mind by all the details and there is some initial frustration that I will be unable to get these images down on paper in the exact way they are coming to me, in the moments they are coming to me. This has been a common experience in my writing life so far, where whole paragraphs flood into my brain, all the words ordered into a thing of such clarity and beauty. Eventually, these perfect words drift away like the smoke that trails out of each of the 13 candles as the fire burns up all of the wax. Now I am left ready with pen and paper in hand with nothing of any substance to note down.

The delectable slowness of eating in silence, each forkful and spoonful comes to my lips as an offering to my body, mind and spirit; this food made by Maya and this moment that has been prepared for us, nourishing me in all ways. Through my 1/2 closed eyes, past the wisps of my eyelashes, I watch as traces of light fall upon the blurred white of dishes, the deep brown of the table top and the glowing of the souls around me. The glint of flames as the candles burn down is a measure of time passing; a measure of our success in making it through this offering; this challenge to sit side by side and face to face without giving in to our need to make words be the way we communicate to, and with, one another.

I catch another woman’s eye across the table, her much larger, much more colourful candle drawing me in to take care of her, imagining that she is going to have to remain silent for so much longer than the rest of us. Later when we shift back to syllables and syntax she tells me that my eye contact across the table felt grounding to her and that with it she was able to leave behind her initial thoughts of all that was missing. She was able to let go of the disappointment that the enriching conversation she had just been having was cut off with still so much left to be said. There was a sense of recognition in the spark in her eyes as the deep knowing that we can have impact on others both with and without words lined up in the space between her and me.

Bathing in Sound

The silent meal exercise is rest in action and on reflection I can see that, much like the exquisite sound bath experiences that Carolynn leads us through on each day, this too combines a little of all of the kinds of rest above. Sound bathes our bodies whether we are at rest on our backs or propped up in some semblance of alert and receptive pose. What follows is a soaking of liquid sunshine, lava like and full of memories of the wind chimes in my back yard or the childhood delight of the ice cream truck. The droning and densely reverberating sounds are pure nourishment; mineral vibrations filling up my body in ways I have no idea that I have been missing. These sounds that are made with love and care and intention are caring and carrying and curing and serve to uncover the me that lays quiet and waiting beneath all of the layers of fibre and weave, epidermis and follicles.

Glimmers

A sense of recognition floods through my system as Debbie repeats this term that has come to me somewhere along an earlier part of my beautywalk journey. It resonates so deeply with me that we can choose to find moments of joy, or ‘Glimmers’, as much as we can keep our focus on moments of pain, or ‘Triggers’. Triggers have dominated social media posts of the last few years. While there is no denying that there is trauma and that many things can trigger us back into our most painful moments, there are also so many things that can give us glimmers of joy. The more we take time to focus our attention on what brings us joy the more joy we will be able to create in our lives. It is simple math: joy plus joy equals more joy.

We are asked to have a conversation with our joy, asking it to fill in the blanks after the statements of “I love…,” or “I love it when…,”. A whole lot of ideas pour out as 13 women scribble away in their lined notebooks with 13 ordinary blue pens. The next task is to pick 3 and copy them onto sticky notes to share with the group. There is everything from skinny dipping under the full moon, to being under flannel sheets on a cold winter’s night, to making my daughter smile, to speaking words I have written to those that wish to hear them, to sitting around a roaring fire, to walking outside in the crisp fall air. After some discussion of our favourites the question comes up about what we are noticing about the gathering of glimmers whose mismatched colours have been serendipitously placed on the coffee table in the form of a cup, as in “This is how we fill our cups.” The next comment is one that hit most of us with some clarity, the sighs and head nods I see around me being an indication that I am not the only one that resonates with the statement, “These are not the things that fill up the majority of the hours of our days.” There is no mention of work or phones or emails as a source of anyone’s joy. There is a joke made about how Instagram’s ability to listen so deeply to us and respond to our every need, is surprisingly not on any of the coloured slips of paper.

What gets in the way?

What are the things that are getting in the way of us having more of these glimmers of joy in our lives?

What will we have to get rid of to be able to have more joy in our lives?

This is the next exercise - to take our pads of green, pink, yellow and orange papers and this time to write those things that are getting in our way. I write mine with speed and with the clearest printing I can muster. What comes out is fear, doubt, patriarchy, judgment, sleep aversion, and dopamine drivers, and I add them to the pile that is being gathered together and put into a tiny black box whose lid is dropped into place as a way to contain them and keep them in confidence so we can all leave them behind us when we get back into our vehicles and drive the route lined by the red, orange and yellow of the leaves back to our regular lives.

Letter from Love

The last exercise that resonates with me leads me down a bit of a longer path, culminating in the watching of a video that a friend of mine sent me last week, well before I went on the retreat. It is a conversation between Liz Gilbert and Tim Ferriss that focuses on, amongst other things, Liz’s practice of sending herself daily letters from love. Debbie passes around airmail stationery and envelopes and stickers of hearts and stars and encourages us to write a letter to ourselves that she will mail to us at an undisclosed date in the new year.

The letter is to start out with recognition that we have been on this retreat and can be focused on asking the questions:

What are you thinking about after the retreat?

How have you moved forward on the things you thought you would do after the experience you had this weekend?

When asked for clarification, amidst a lot of teasing and good humour, Debbie adds in,

“Imagine this as a letter that you would love to receive - all those things that you would love if someone said to you. Go ahead and say them as if it was love that is speaking to you.”

As I put my pen to paper and my mind to what future me might most need to hear I am reminded of the many times during our weekend yoga practice that Carolynn softly asked us if we would be willing to think about 3 things we most loved about ourselves. As we bent over in child’s pose or as we took in the magic of the music that was made with vibrations and resonance, she invited us to look inside and to find some of the magic that love already knew was there in each one of us.

I comment to the group that I will have to write small as I have a lot to say and fill up my page front and back, leaving space for a yellow star at the top as love refers to me as a magical starfish at some point in the letter. I fold up the piece of paper, lick the envelope shut and imagine receiving it this January in Regina when I am in the midst of cleaning out and selling my long time home.

I find that love has a lot to say to me in both this initial letter and in the subsequent one I do the following morning. I feel inspired by this practice and make a commitment to myself to make this part of my morning pages practice from here on in. I remind myself once again that happiness is an inside job and that it is up to me to do the exquisite work of giving myself the full brilliance of the love that I have within me. It is my most precious task to start with cultivating love for me and from there letting that love radiate outwards towards the rest of the world.

May we all find a deep sense of love for ourselves and may we find our own ways to make more space for glimmers of joy and all of the kinds of rest in our day to day lives.

I am Sandra Butel and this is my beautywalk. What’s yours?

Resources for Further Study and Personal Growth

Some questions to ask yourself if you are so inclined:
What type of rest do you most need to bring into your current life?
How would you react to having to remain silent for 20 minutes while eating breakfast?
How would your joy answer the following - I love ... I love it when …?
What is getting in the way of your own glimmers of joy?
What does love have to say to you?
Would you consider writing a letter of love to yourself? How would you start?
For further details on next year’s retreat check out The Still.
To connect with Carolynn’s unique world of sound healing and yoga you can follow her on Instagram.
If you are looking for amazing vegetarian and vegan food, look no further than Maya Furuta. Your taste buds, as well as your body, mind and soul will be forever grateful.
For more about Letters from Love check out Elizabeth Gilbert’s sub stack where you can sign up to receive ongoing letters that both Liz and her guests have written to themselves. As Liz says on her sub stack, “This is heart work.”
For a more in depth dive in the 9 types of rest and their link to the Enneagram types check out the work of Steph Barron Hall.
My offering as Coach Sandra is to listen and be open as we co-create a space where you can find the rest and the glimmers of joy that you need. I can help you to brainstorm your own practice as we lean into the comfort of a one on one coaching relationship. With my deepest gratitude for the power of coaching to bring more joy to both coach and coachee, I am thankful to be able to offer you an hour long free beautywalk session.
My Positive Intelligence based program From Worry to Worthy offers you an opportunity to move yourself from being ruled by the lizard brain to being guided by the wizard brain. Check out the full program details and book your first free session with me to get started. Friends and Family discount applied to all newsletter subscribers and your friends and family too! I am open to creative barter offers as part of my dedication to the advancement of the moneyless share economy.
If you are interested in signing up for TrustedHouseSitters you can get a 25% discount (as well as pass on 2 free months of membership to me in the process).

Share this newsletter with others by clicking the icons below: