Moments of Truth

coaching self care beautywalk Sandra Butel positive intelligence suffering citalopram mental fitness mental health medication depression — *Truth Bombs* Photo by Sandra Butel

I am Sandra Butel and this is my beautywalk.

beautywalk is my way of seeing the world and my place in it along with my fellow human beings.
It is a way of highlighting the steps I am taking towards living a more fulfilled life full of self-care and deep love.

Over the Threshold

Far off, a bird chirps its high pitched call to the day and a striped red-collared kitten gingerly steps over the threshold of the sliding doors into my bedroom. With my laptop in its designated position, I begin forming ideas for today’s blog topic. My ears pick up tiny little noises of the sniffing cat as they suss out the situation - their worldview increasing with the opening of a new door.

I ponder,

What door has opened for me that has not been opened before?

What are the latest observed changes in my life that I can share with you?

Suffering

I have been thinking a great deal about suffering and the causes of suffering and the methods we can use to decrease our suffering. This investigation of the foundation of Buddhist philosophy, the Four Noble Truths, will provide part of the structure for the memoir I am writing about my experiences over the last 4 years.

I have gone from solid, to liquid, back to solid again and have had many experiences that, while they were clearly in the arena of human suffering, have been transformational for me.

I find myself in a state between solid and liquid as I adapt and move and change from one situation to another. Maybe this is why I thought it would be a good time to undertake both the writing of a book that will take me back into a very painful chapter of my life while at the same time decreasing my dosage of Citalopram, the anti-anxiety drug I have been taking for the last 6+ years.

Breakdown Breakthrough

I started on the medication journey shortly after I hit the major down of what I now call my “Breakdown Breakthrough”. Perimenopause had come calling and I was struggling to keep my hormones balanced. I had been seeing a naturopath and had been taking all sorts of supplements, including a desiccated beef thyroid compound that was made especially for me in rural BC. I remember clearly how heavy I felt and how much difficulty I had getting out of bed and taking the 20 minute walk to get to my office. After I had messaged my staff each day for a week, saying,” I won’t be able to come in today, I am really not feeling up to it right now”, I figured that it was time to call in my support systems. I made an appointment with a wonderful therapist that I had been seeing on an occasional basis for the last few years. I also made an appointment with my naturopath to see if there was something we could do to get me ready and willing to face the days ahead.

I remember clearly the moment I walked into my naturopath’s office. She took one look at me and said “Oh Sandra. I’m so sorry. We need to pause these natural therapies and get you on something stronger. You are really not looking well.” When a naturopath tells you that it’s time for a strong antidepressant, somehow that makes it seem even more urgent. We had been treating my perimenopause symptoms with natural methods for quite a while and having quite a lot of success with the treatment. Something was obviously very different on this day that indicated that it was time to put aside my fear of medication and get myself the support I needed.

I think back to the moment I sunk into a chair in the corner of my therapist’s waiting room, with my head down and with every sound seeming extra loud and aggressive. When she came to get me I followed her very slowly, my feet dragging, to her office. She remarked immediately, “Goodness,Sandra, it looks like things are very hard for you right now. We will get you the help you need. You will feel good again. This won’t last forever.” The warmth in her voice and her kind eyes brought a tiny flicker of heat to my chest. I thought for a brief second, Perhaps everything will be okay after all?

This flicker of hope was crushed by the following mantra, I don’t know if I can do this. I don’t know if I can do this…

Shifting Mind

My attitude up to this time about antidepressants and anti-anxiety meds was that I didn’t need them. I could find other ways to deal with whatever was happening in my life. I didn’t know much about these life lines except for what society had had to say to me about them. I believed what I had heard about their overuse and bought the stigmatized story that these medications were a cowardly way to avoid what we were feeling. I, like many other women of my generation, had difficulty asking for help and was of the opinion that I “should” be able to make it through on my own.

My attitude about these meds changed dramatically when I really needed them for my survival.

Funny how that goes isn’t it? I felt free to judge what others did with their lives and the choices they made when I had no idea what they were going through. Once I started to have difficulty getting out of bed and was exhausted from the non stop flow of negative thoughts in my head I was able to see what a gift these medications are.

Poetry in E-motion

As I now begin a 14 week weaning process, I feel the time is right to share the poem I wrote in November of 2020, almost a year after I was exiled from my professional life as Boss Lady. To help me deal with the loss and pain and confusion of my RFF situation, I had signed up for a writing class led by the uber talented Shane Koyczan. It was such a wonderful way to connect with others during Covid and I am grateful that Shane offered it and that I had time to be a part of it.

Here is what I wrote.

TAKE 2 TABLETS ONCE DAILY
Breakdown, breakthrough
This was where 40 mg did their best work
Temporarily balancing
Hormones of a
Middle aged woman
Daily companions
One step, two steps
Pulling her back to earth
When her worries ran high
Clearing the clouds that obscured her sunshine
Gently nudging her out of the spirals of darkness
A slow stretching of stiff limbs
Drawing her from her fetal retreat
Under the food stained covers
Yearning to make a difference
To prove their worth
To be perfect and ease suffering
(There was so much suffering in the world )
40 mg as saviour
A good fit
Years of balance and joy and dancing
Of the woman’s smiling face and ease
As she drew others to her
With her light
Light that 40 mg helped her find
Sharing lifework, empowering others
Words flung towards 40 mg
Couldn’t be erased
No investigation, no dialogue
Deep pain, deep questioning
Blame and shame
Confusion and a broken heart
40 mg stood steady
There to help
There to welcome
There to encourage
There to accept
Unconditional love
Sunrise, sunset, repeat
Anger, tears, fears
Words, wisdom and long walks
Heart opened to open hearts
Vision clearing
Inhale, exhale, relief
40 mg understands
In endings
Are new beginnings
Her true nature
Is potent with potential
As the seeds planted
Under the dark soil
Contain the whole glorious flower
Pushing slowly slowly through the earth
To become in fullness and brilliant colour
No more no less
Than what she already is
Sandra Butel

Weaning and Waning

Here I am, in my lovely Air BnB on the Plateau in Montreal, in the first week of my weaning off of my 40 mg dose of Citalopram. I am still unsure which negative feelings I’m having are a direct result of the decreased serotonin in my system, and which are a result of the sometimes painful process of delving into my past to write my memoir. It is also possible that all of this stems from being back in Canada and settled in one place after more than two years of roaming the world.

We are such complex beings aren’t we?

Back to Basics

I do know that, as I taper off this medication, I have to prioritize my regular routine of the practices and supports that have helped me find my way out of the darkness on more than one occasion. This means daily meditation and naps and yoga 6 or 7 times a week and long walks in the sunshine (or in the rain), good food and a decrease in screen time and alcohol and the mind altering impact of THC and/or CBD. This also means daily time spent writing; both as a way to gain clarity about what is going on for me that day, but also as a way of “laying track” for the story I have begun to tell.

It means making time for meals with friends and family and long moments staring into my life partner’s eyes and truly seeing him. It means offering up my coaching services for free to as many people as possible so that I can share what I have learned and lived with others and see the shift in their lives as a result. It means wearing lots of bright colours and getting lost with a dear friend in the racks of clothing in the church bazaar that is open on Thursdays and Saturdays right near the Mont Royal metro station.

It means remembering that the thoughts that are in my head are not mine, but are regular visitors that arise and that I can choose to greet with kindness and then let go. It means breathing deeply and feeling into my body whether on the yoga mat or meditating or propped up writing in bed. It means reaching out to my therapist and/or coach for regular checkins that can help me stick to my goal of being guided by my deepest internal wisdom and love.

It means taking time for me and for my thoughts and feelings and needs and filling myself up with empathy and compassion for the many parts of the being that was born and raised as Sandra Butel starting back in May of 1968. It means being with whatever shifts are happening and having faith that I can handle the little bit of extra emotion. It is accepting that my brain is undergoing a chemical transformation and that the occasional negative voice is going to attempt to take up residency in my head with stories of how bad my mental health is going to get if I get off this medication.

Humbly Human

It is a humbling experience to be in direct contact with my own mental anguish. For just a moment I had come to believe that I had found a way above all that. My cheeks pull up and out and my dimples appear as I reflect on the naivety and hopefulness that had me thinking that there would ever be an end to the process of becoming more fully who I really am. Ah, yes, I am human after all.

How blessed I am to have so many opportunities to learn and grow in this human form.
How blessed I am to have the time and energy and space to be with the fullness of a life well lived.
How eager I am to show up for myself and others with curiosity and openness and a sideways smile at how often we have to learn the same lessons before they stick.
Sandra Butel

May you be happy and peaceful. May you be healthy and strong. May you be safe and protected from inner and outer harm. May you be at ease with all of the conditions of your life.

I am Sandra Butel and this is my beautywalk. What’s yours?

*A port in the storm* Photo by Sandra Butel

Resources for Further Study and Personal Growth

If you are struggling with your own mental health please know that you are not alone. There are many resources available to you that can get you started on the path to finding the right treatment to get you feeling better. Here is a place to start for some basic information about what services are available in Canada.
If you are starting to feel the impacts of perimenopause on your daily life there are many good resources out there. One book that I especially like is, Menopocalypse by Amanda Thebe.
My new program From Worry to Worthy offers you an opportunity to investigate your own internal experience of the negative voice inside your head and help you to find ways to connect to the deeper truths of your own heart. Check out the full program details and book your first free session with me to get started. Friends and Family discount applied to all newsletter subscribers and your friends and family too!
If you are interested in signing up for TrustedHouseSitters you can get a 25% discount (as well as pass on 2 free months of membership to me in the process).

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