This Little Light of Mine
Shining Bright Photo by Sandra Butel
I am Sandra Butel and this is my beautywalk.
beautywalk is an intention I carry with me as I move my body, mind and spirit from place to place. It is a way of seeing the world; of making peace with the dark as a way to highlight the light. It is a mindset that springs from the knowledge that I have a choice in each moment of whether to respond with fear or with love. beautywalk is the dance we are invited to dance each day.
O’ Canada
April 2024 brought a monumental shift in energy for me. I made my way, for the first time in 9.5 months, back to Canada. I made the choices and took the action necessary to get to Montreal, where my son Nico is living. My plans are to be here for 5 months and at the end of August I will make my way to Saskatchewan to visit friends, get a new tattoo, get rid of some of my belongings, and most importantly, honour the life and passing of my dear mother with a memorial on August 31st.
Prepping for the Eclipse
One of the secondary draws (Nico being the primary) towards Montreal at that time was the solar eclipse. My partner, Francis, was full of excitement for this celestial event and had spent many hours scheming for the best place to observe this natural wonder. His giddiness and deep research drew me in and I got excited about what was to come and together we considered our options. Would we go to Mazatlan, where the sun was sure to shine, or join some friends in Texas or better yet, what about gathering the family together (his sister and brother and their families and of course our lovely Nico)? His sister and brother in law’s cabin ended up being in the 100% zone and soon enough Francis’s awe and wonder drew in a whole gang who made the 90 minute trip from their homes in Montreal. His sister pulled together delicious foods into a variety of portable coolers and we made our way together a few days before to get everything prepped while we enjoyed the 360 degree view of trees and water and the last winter snow that had fallen a few days before. How blessed I felt to be in such comfort in the middle of nature and to have time and energy to focus on appreciating what was being offered to me.
Awe and Wonder Photo by Sandra Butel
Putting the Pieces Together
Part of what I occupied myself with during our stolen hours of quiet before the family storm was pulling together the puzzle pieces of the jigsaw version of what the meeting of moon and sun signified for me and for the world around me. A few active sessions of googling brought me words and images and ideas that I held with me as the hours ticked by until the meeting of the darkness with the light. Words like supernova and celestial and corona and hallucinogenic resonated with me and found their way onto my pages of notes. I considered possibilities for some kind of ritual that could mark the end of my legal travels with the RFF and my future travels into becoming the writer that I was always meant to be. I had the final settlement agreement with me, safely stored in a yellow file folder that I had carried with me on my Asian travels. Would this movement from light to dark and back again be the right time to pause and reflect and fill myself up with the electric energy that would be manifested by this supernatural event?
I wanted this once in a lifetime celestial happening to be a spiritual moment of transformation, of further ascension along my own spiritual path to a place of more and more light. But there can be no light without darkness. The darkness is also part of us and it is beautiful. It may hide our light, but as we see the moon make first contact with the sun and then move aside to let the sun do its thing, darkness also brings us perspective - and helps highlight what is hidden. Without those dark eclipse shades over our eyes, there would be no way for us to gaze upon the transformation taking place in the sky above.
“Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light.”
The Experience
We gathered as a family on our Adirondack chairs, with our eclipse glasses, our Sun Chips, our Corona beers and our sunflower seeds in a grassy open area facing the chalet. The energy was high; the excitement of anticipation, coupled with some doubt that what was to come was going to be worthy of all the fuss. Francis, with his various apps and articles was pacing excitedly in front of us, sharing tidbits of information of what was to come. One of the nephews said to me with an aside that “he was being pulled in by Francis’s obvious excitement about this and was enjoying being brought along for the ride.” He was telling us facts about the stages that were to come and the precautions needed when taking in the phenomenon of the moon and the sun finding themselves in the exact position necessary for this optical illumination to take place. We were toasting one another and glancing up from time to time from behind the safety of our glasses, reminiscent of the old fashioned 3D glasses we had used for films back in the day. There were moments of oohs and ahhs, light and dark coming together in a timeless natural spectacle. Coming together in a beautiful place, with the people that I loved the most, paying attention to what nature had to say to us all, was a precious opportunity for communion,
When Nature Speaks
So what did nature have to say to us? For me this was all about wonder and awe and looking up and around and to remember that things are not always as they seem. It was also about the shifting of light to dark and then back to the light again. A visual representation of the relationship between dark and light and the immense beauty that was created when the two came together. Without the dark of the moon covering the sun we would not have been able to see the beauty of the sun in a new way. There was a feeling of intoxicating awe as we embraced, for just a moment, the opportunity that was being offered to us to see the dark and the light live together and to know that all of it is ok.
“These events invite us to pause and consider our position in the vast universe and they bring about potent energy for change. Eclipses serve as catalysts for profound inner shifts, inviting us to release that which no longer serves our highest good and to embrace the light of new beginnings. “
Sarah Belle - Anchor the light
Son Light Photo by Sandra Butel
Embracing the Darkness
This fascination with dark and light has long been a part of my learning and growth. Since the public death of the Artistic Director of the RFF, formally known as Boss Lady in December of 2019, I have reflected much on our shadow selves and have delved deeply into all of the aspects of myself. I have studied the darkness in all of us and have come to make friends with all that lives within all of us as human beings.
“The shadow is a moral problem that challenges the whole ego-personality, for no one can become conscious of the shadow without considerable moral effort. To become conscious of it involves recognizing the dark aspects of the personality as present and real. This act is the essential condition for any kind of self-knowledge.”
— Carl Jung, Aion (1951)
I was reminded recently by a yoga teacher in Santa Fe that darkness is not our nemesis. In an approximation of her words,” the darkness is nothing more or less than proof that the light exists.” The darkness can serve as a gift to let us know what obstacles we have developed that are blocking our light. It can direct us towards where our deeper work lies and can draw us down the path that will best serve our desire to let our light out to shine on the world around us.
No Longer Afraid of the Dark
I have spent much time over the last 4 years making peace with both my own darkness and the darkness of others, a small group of which genuinely wished to do me harm. In delving deep into our human nature and the science and politics of keeping us full of fear, I have come to see that the darkness is not personal; it is universal. We all have those negative voices in our heads and sometimes we let them run the show. We end up acting in ways that are petty and jealous and full of drama and we search out ways to blame whatever is going on in our lives on the world, and the people around us. The negative comes from our lizard brain and it will always and forever be a part of our lives. It is, however, not the only thing that will always and forever be a part of our lives. There is also light, courage, compassion, curiosity, and love that lies within each one of us. We can choose where to put our energy and which of the voices to believe. That is the work of a lifetime for each and every one of us. To no longer fear the darkness but to see it as a call to action of what we need to let go of next in our efforts to remove the barriers to our shining light.
“Darkness cannot drive out darkness: only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate: only love can do that.”
Sun + Moon = Swoon Photo by Sandra Butel
The Power of the Light
My efforts to increase the vibrancy of my light is linked to a desire to join the community of seekers and wise ones who have guided me on my travels. These wizards of wonder who have offered me hope when I was in despair, who have gently whispered hints of how to hear more deeply the voices of my heart, rather than continuing to follow those pesky judgy voices of my lizard brain.
I imagine myself holding hands with them as I join their mission to bring more light and love to the world. I see myself following in the footsteps of such visionaries as Viktor Frankl, Dr. Edith Eger, Michael Singer, Pema Chodron and Brene Brown, who, along with so many others, have brought their stories and studies of terrible troubles to bear on the choices they made to move beyond their suffering towards lives of deep joy and learning. These people had enough belief in the value of what they had learned that they put aside their fears and dared to share their words and their love with us all. I count myself blessed to be able to put my energy and time into the pursuit of the same dream.
“To forgive is to grieve—for what happened, for what didn’t happen—and to give up the need for a different past.”
― Edith Eger, The Choice
Springing Forth Photo by Sandra Butel
Letting Go
As the moon continued on its way and the sun was able to shine its light ever brighter upon the earth around me I was moved to carry out my own ritual. A way of taking the darkness that had come into my life and marking its end. A way to embrace the light of the new life that was offering itself up to me in all its limitless beauty and opportunity.
I gathered a few of the family members, telling them I wanted to do a little ritual to mark the end of my legal battle with my former employer.
There is a spot on their land that has become a place for performance, where each new generation has been invited to stand on a large spruce tree stump and deliver their masterpieces. They usually start out with “Ladies & Gentle-them” and continue on with their song, dance or poem. I had decided to carry on the tradition and had spent some moments mid-eclipse on my own on the stump looking out over the mountains beyond the tree line and formulating my message of hope and healing. Here I was now, with a handful of family members, including Francis and Nico, a bottle of Rum, a settlement agreement, and a book of matches that held a single match. I took a chance and the first strike was enough to get a little fire going following the delivery of my speech, the words catching in my throat and the tears blurring my view of the land around us. As the paper turned to ash, I felt my body present in this place and this time, surrounded by people who loved and cared for me.
I felt cleansed. I was ready to let go of the fears and pain of the past and move into a future filled with light and love.
An excerpt from my stump speech (which may very well be the opening to my book):
“My hope in sharing my story of loss and the tools and connections that moved me along my path towards being deeply found, is that you too may use them to make your own inexplicable losses not be the end of your story, but rather a very poignant beginning.”
-Sandra Butel
I am Sandra Butel and this is my beautywalk. What’s yours?
Captain O’ Captain Photo by Sandra Butel
Resources for Further Study and Personal Growth
If you are interested in delving into your own darkness in a safe and non judgmental space do not hesitate to reach out to me for a free coaching session. I assure you that developing a relationship with the right coach is a great support in your path towards a light filled life. If we are not the right fit for one another I will do my utmost to point you towards someone who is.
My new program From Worry to Worthy offers you an opportunity to investigate your own internal experience of the negative voice inside your head and help you to find ways to connect to the deeper truths of your own heart. Check out the full program details and book your first free session with me to get started. Friends and Family discount applied to all newsletter subscribers and your friends and family too!
If you are interested in signing up for TrustedHouseSitters you can get a 25% discount (as well as pass on 2 free months of membership to me in the process).
Share this newsletter with others by clicking the icons below: