Lead Us Not Into Temptation
Winston looking innocent Photo by Sandra Butel
I am Sandra Butel and this is my beautywalk.
beautywalk is a special part of my ongoing efforts to reflect on the ins and outs of being a human being.
My intention in opening myself up to you is to encourage you to do the same.
It is our sameness that can bring us together and that holds the hope of a world with more love and less fear.
Daily Constitutional
Post poop walk in Montreal with an Airedale Terrier named Winston. I am spending the time watching him resist his temptations and sometimes succeeding and sometimes needing to be held back with all the force of my yoga toned arms.
I see how my all too human brain is like this too. I set off on a lovely walk; my daily constitutional so to speak, with the intention of being present; to breathe in fresh air, admire the newest blossoms and say hello to my fellow humans. Then, as quickly as an Airedale sniffs another compost bin, fear thoughts arise. The fear that I will fail at writing my first book, or that I’m failing a difficult client or that I am not eating enough healthy food or getting enough exercise. There I am with my muzzle back in the smelly compost sludge that always manages to obscure the beauty of the day and to wipe out the gratitude I am feeling.
I am back on the hamster wheel, my thoughts in constant motion trying to catch up, trying to get to that illusive place of having arrived. The irony is that no matter how much I pull away from the leash that is tying me to my truest self, this will never end. I will not arrive at the finish line. The race is rigged and I am destined to run it over and over in a Groundhog Day pattern for the rest of my life.
I yank and bark and plant my feet to get as much leverage as I can, because this is how I have been designed. A human being with instincts and fears and strengths that can become weaknesses when overused. The only thing I can do is accept that this, my friends, is life.
It is a bumpy ride and as much as I try to control it (and, yes there have been times when I succeeded at getting some sense of being in charge), things are often outside of my sphere of influence. Others act in ways that I don’t like and do things to me that are not fair or kind or based in common sense or honesty or integrity.
Being Soft is Hard Photo by Sandra Butel
Life is not fair.
This statement needs space to sit - all on its own - sinking into the deepest reaches of my consciousness.
I will always be able to find injustices and despicable behavior in the world around me. I can fill myself up with righteous indignation at the latest unbelievable thing that Trump has said or done. I can get caught up in the debate and outrage at the man vs bear discussion, joining my fellow female-identifying humans in choosing the bear. I can add my voice and photo to the “Anne Hathway is too old” controversy claiming my 55 year old beauty in a public forum. I can raise my hand when the world asks who is fed up with sexism, racism, ageism, classism and all the other forms of prejudice that have infected the air that we breathe.
I can convince myself that I should keep focusing on the outside world from my high seat, fuming and railing at the disgusting masses. From this vantage point of superiority, I can ignore the negative energy that lives inside of me. I can ignore how often I am judging the words and clothing and actions and hairstyles of others. I can ignore my pursed lips and tight shoulders and neck. I can imagine myself as beyond this half baked behaviour of the lowly peons that wrestle and spew venom at each other.
But what fun is that?
There I am all alone, cut off from my fellow humans, all my energy going into maintaining the illusion. My heart stops being the drum beat of my dance as it is replaced by the metronome of shoulds and can’ts and not enoughs.
It is lonely at the top; and the view kinda sucks. Perched on my high horse, my butt and back ache from the stiffness of the saddle and I just want to shut off the sensations of everyday life in this human body. When I look in the mirror, I miss my dimples of joy. Where did they go?
The memory of flow that I have so enjoyed fades like a lost cat poster forgotten on a power pole since last December. Rain and sleet and wind and sprays of graffiti have worn the crisp coloured piece of hope to a tattered and water bubbled piece of trash, only the packing tape having kept its original form.
My screen habits have taken me back to “Numbville”. Tapping, ingesting and swiping, late into the night and when I finally unplug and wander down the hall to my bed my vision is blurred around the edges. No matter how often I blink and whether or not I am wearing my glasses, I can’t get close to 20/20 again.
That’s enough now.
Follow your Heart. Photo by Sandra Butel
What do I need to do to pull myself out of this hole?
The first step is to acknowledge that I let myself get drawn here again. The second step is to smile and give myself compassion and with a little laugh say “There you go again. Being human is hard.” My dimple makes a brief appearance and my lips part slightly and my teeth disengage from one another, creating much needed extra space.
I notice my shoulders up around my ears and with the voice of my first yoga teacher, Kate, I gently direct them down and back to a more comfortable and open position.
I ask myself what kind of life I want to live. I remind myself that, “you are the only one that can change your life. I whisper, “This is on you, Sandra”. My inner voice gains momentum and I am speaking with full volume now when I say, “You get to choose what you do with your time and where you put your energy.”
I turn off the giant screen TV and I go downstairs to check on the laundry, connecting to the movement of my feet that were recently “liberé” (liberated/freed) by my French Osteopath here in Montreal. I am grateful and frankly, I am awestruck at how her gentle movement and touch has made such a giant difference to a part of me that I didn’t even know needed freeing. With each step I feel more grounded and steady.
After throwing in a load of laundry, my new feet take me back upstairs to the kitchen where I fill the dishwasher and turn it on.
Refocusing Photo by Sandra Butel
How to Love
I write a bit, reflecting on the impatience and judgment I have started to nurture against my partner, Francis, and I make a commitment to move towards that which assists me in being more open and joyful and accepting of what is, of who people are, and of who I am in all of the varying levels of complexity. As I read so many times in one of my favourite books, “The Two Truths About Love”, the way towards an extraordinary relationship is to practice giving permission and taking responsibility. This is where we really accept that everyone is doing the best that they can at any moment and that our job is to take responsibility for ourselves and our emotions. This binary has really helped me to get to this place of quiet reflection and has added a new depth to my relationships with myself and others.
I am in bed by 10 p m with a stack of books I scavenged in the basement, rejecting one after the other before settling in to read a few pages of an early Bill Bryson book about Britain and his visit there in the late 70s. I set down the book, lay on my back with a pillow under my knees and I am just here and now in this place, this time, this body, this mindset, this heart. It feels good.
I am Sandra Butel and this is my beautywalk. What’s yours?
Peace is in the Shadows. Photo by Sandra Butel
Resources for Further Study and Personal Growth
If you are struggling with your own mental health, please know that you are not alone. There are many resources available to you that can get you started on the path to finding the right treatment to get you feeling better. One of the forms of therapy that I have found very helpful is ACT (Acceptance and Commitment Therapy).
If you are starting to feel the impacts of perimenopause on your daily life there are many good resources out there. One book that I especially like is, Menopocalypse by Amanda Thebe.
My new program From Worry to Worthy offers you an opportunity to investigate your own internal experience of the negative voice inside your head and help you to find ways to connect to the deeper truths of your own heart. Check out the full program details and book your first free session with me to get started. Friends and Family discount applied to all newsletter subscribers and your friends and family too!
If you are interested in signing up for TrustedHouseSitters you can get a 25% discount (as well as pass on 2 free months of membership to me in the process).
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