Talking About Grief
Springing up from the past photo by Sandra Butel
I am Sandra Butel and this is my beautywalk.
beautywalk is me putting words to the steps I have taken forward, and back and sideways and up and down, as I wind my way through the meadows, the forests, and the muck (both literally and figuratively). Over the last 3 years, I have spent a lot of time during my beautywalk journey, focused on the study and direct experience of grief and loss. I have learned much about how to process my own grief and am getting to the place where I am beginning to be able to see the gift within the pain. I am not an expert on grief. I am a regular human being who is taking the time and space to share my learnings about loss and grief and recovery. My goal in sharing my experiences is to first offer up compassion to all human beings as we process the losses of our lives. May these words and suggested resources assist you in finding your own way through your grieving process, whether your losses are big or small.
3 Hearts Full
As I prepare to leave my latest pet sit I find myself feeling that familiar feeling of heaviness in my heart and I can sense the waters gathering behind my eyes; ready to flow whenever I pause long enough in my travel preparations to let them come out. My focus on my walk today with the 3 dogs: Wyatt, Henry and Simon, that have been my charges for the last month, is on focusing on the small details of each step and feeling both the sadness and gratitude for the love that I have shared with these beings. I notice not only the determined pull on the leash when Henry really wants to stop for a sniff, or the determined way Simon pulls me up the hill, or the way that Wyatt rolls around in the wet grass and then the dirt nose first and in such a state of ecstasy, but also the beauty in the world around me.
This neighbourhood has become familiar and comfortable and as the days have gone by I have noticed the living and dying of the latest beauty that nature and some carefully timed gardening has had to offer. The magnolia trees expressing themselves with big heavy pinkness at first upon their branches and then gathered below in a spattering of blossoms as the cherry trees take up the melody in light and dark pinks only to join the discard piles upon the grass a few weeks later. The daffodils in the fields that are replaced by purple flowers of equal beauty and boldness. The tiny daisies and the yellow wildflowers who will remain nameless for the moment that are sprinkled among the spring grasses and are upstaged by the deep oranges of the California poppies that this week have made their on-stage debut for who knows how long of a successful run.
3 Hearts Full by Sandra Butel
About Grief - Where to Start?
There is so much that could be said about grief and about the processes we go through as humans as we move through grief to a place of acceptance and of letting the loss bring us some new growth. As you read my words, please keep in mind that whatever stage of grief you are in, is the right place for you to be right now. There are resources out there that can help you through and reaching out to a friend, a coach or a counsellor to talk about your grief can be of incredible help in our times of loss and grieving.
The Steps
The first resource I want to discuss is Elizabeth Kubler-Ross’s outline of the steps of grieving. Many of you are likely familiar with these stages so I won’t go into that much detail about them here - as outlined by Kubler-Ross these steps are: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. I found it important to note that these steps are not linear and was relieved to receive the assurance from my reading, my counsellor and my coach that wherever I happened to be in these steps was the right place to be at that moment.
One More Step
I was especially inspired by the work of David Kessler, who in his book “Finding Meaning”, built upon Kubler-Ross’s work and identified a 6th stage of grief in which we are able to transform our grief into a more peaceful and hopeful experience - by finding meaning in it. My own process of finding meaning in the great losses of my life: my brother’s death in 1994 at the too young age of 34, my father’s death at 91 in 2022 and the losses associated with Covid and the end of my career with the RFF, was greatly impacted by Kessler’s work and the work of other guides and teachers. Finding meaning gave me the opportunity to focus my good attention on something that is important to me and which has provided a path of hope out of past crises of faith and identity.
Reading between the lines by Sandra Butel
Grief as an Expression of Love
In my recent studies in the work of Shirzad Chamine and Positive Intelligence I have added to this learning to get even more comfortable with my own grief and the grief of others around me. In Shirzad’s work he talks about grief as being the only negative emotion that is not about the fear implanted in our brains by our judge and saboteurs. Grief, to Chamine, is much more about love than it is about fear. Grief is seen as a healthy response to loss and taking the time to be able to process your grief completely is conducive to healing and mental wellness.
The part of his work on grief that resonates with me the most is the idea that grief is an indicator of great love. It is the love for another, or for our circumstances, that brings up such pain at their loss. If we are going to be able to move past this grief and find deep meaning in it for ourselves and our future lives, we are going to have to be able to sit with our feelings of love for the person or circumstances that have been stolen from us. This process of contemplation, where we enter into a mindful state of connection with our deep feelings of love and loss as we imagine ourselves back with the person we have lost, or back in the situation that is no more, can be repeated until we find the pain has given way to a deep feeling of love and connection to this beautiful being or experience that was such an important part of our lives.
Orange you glad you went outside? photo Sandra Butel
All the Feels
While my current sense of grief is not about a huge loss I can still use this process for moving through the sense of sadness at leaving my current petsit behind. I start with connecting to the sense of the feeling of grief in my body; I feel it in my throat and my eyes and my heart. I sit quietly with it, slowing down long enough to acknowledge and feel gratitude for its presence. Gratitude for all the love I have experienced here on this beautiful island. The love of pets and friends and yoga teachers and osteopaths and river swimming and lake swimming and ocean swimming. The love of trees and flowers and shrubs and sun and breezes and smells and sounds and tastes. The love of a life that is slower than on the mainland. A life that is more connected to the land and its fragility as a solid that is surrounded by water and by very real examples of how quickly things can change and how much power there is in being here for whatever is on offer. The love of connection to my life partner, Francis and our son, Nico who both brought their beautiful energy and excitement to visit with me in this magical place.
As I connect back to this love and I imagine myself laughing and smiling and exclaiming in awe at the beauty around us with those I have come to connect with here, my heart is filled up with gratitude and love at all that I have been given. Yes, it all has gone away, like all things do, but much like the flowers on the cherry trees that have spent their beauty for another year these moments will live on in my mind's eye forever. Whenever I need a connection to the love that makes my heart sad I have just to imagine their presence to reconnect with them once again. I carry so many moments of beauty and love in my heart and they soften my jaw and lift up my cheeks in a way that shows my dimples and my quiet joy at this embodied life that I have created for myself.
Sit Quietly with the Pain and the Beauty by Sandra Butel
Self-Reflection
What grief are you carrying around in your heart?
What is the love that is behind that grief?
How can you pause and celebrate that love today, even for a moment?
What resources can you call upon to help you process through the stages of grieving?
Important Next Steps (when (and if) you are ready)
Learn more about Elisabeth Kubler-Ross’s work https://www.ekrfoundation.org/5-stages-of-grief/on-death-and-dying/
Learn more about David Kessler’s work on Finding Meaning in Loss https://www.davidkesslertraining.com/
Learn more about the Positive Intelligence (PQ) program and the work of Shirzad Chamine.
I am here if you are ready to share your grief with a coach. I am not afraid of your grief and am ready to be with you as you find a way to honour the love whose loss brings you so much pain. Reach out to me to schedule a free beautywalk session
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