Love yourself
Light and Shadow … Photo by Sandra Butel
I am Sandra Butel and this is my beautywalk.
beautywalk is my journey towards finding the courage and compassion to embrace and accept all the many parts of who I truly am.
If you can’t love yourself …
“If you can’t love yourself, how in the hell are you gonna love somebody else?” ― RuPaul
These were the last words of today’s Daily Trip with Jeff Warren on the Calm app. I have mentioned Jeff a few times before: as my almost daily companion, as someone whose way of guiding meditation comes with humour and humility and a clear sharing of his own vulnerability in simply being a regular old human being just like me.
Life after loss
Some recent events in my community have left me with a deep feelings of confusion and loss; dropping me back into the visceral sensation of some of the most painful times of my 56 year old life, taking me off the track I have so painstakingly and meticulously built for myself over the past 5 years. As the tears rise and fall, as the questions come and go, I am left with the reminder of where I started in all this, on my search to find new meaning after enormous loss.
As I sit propped up in my lopsided king sized bed, where so many of the stages of my ongoing growth and gradual healing post work trauma have taken place, I am drawn back to my deeper learning. It starts with me and the work that I do each day to find compassion and love and acceptance for all of who I am. It starts with being able to sit with the discomfort that there are those out there who have not, nor will they ever, recognize my most authentic self. It starts with the realization that whatever I say or do, no one will ever be able to understand what the experience of being me is all about. I can shout and cry and wring my hands, I can lash out in anger and bitterness and deep hurt at the unfair treatment that life sends to each of us on our journeys, but all I end up doing is bringing more harm and discord to myself.
Flying free Photo by Sandra Butel
Imposter Syndrome
I have been delving into Imposter syndrome with a few clients over the last few weeks and have had some conversations about how hard it is to walk around with this tenacious idea that we are not worthy. Goosebumps flood my body from head to toe as I listen to my fellow humans speak about the fear that zings through their bodies at the thought that sooner or later they will be found out. This idea that, if they are not vigilant or stop tiptoeing through their lives, that they will step on a hidden explosive that will blow their carefully constructed egos sky high. While I am still making sense of this concept and integrating it into my own learnings of cognitive behavioural therapy, buddhist teachings (or philosophy) and Positive Intelligence, it is something that resonates with me deeply.
Another deep conversation with an old friend leads me to a new use for an old concept; the “shitty first draft” as explained by Brene Brown in her book Rising Strong. As my friend explains it, the shitty first draft is all about the first story we tell ourselves about ourselves, perhaps in interaction with other people or in reaction to events that have brought new pain and discomfort into our lives
My initial understanding of this idea follows much of what I have learned about the judge and saboteur based lies of Shirzad Chamine’s Positive Intelligence program, and involves taking the time to first notice what these negative voices are telling us about ourselves. The first step, which is the hardest, is to pause in our torturous ruminations to ask ourselves to what degree these negative stories about ourselves are true. The next step of gathering evidence to give ourselves a clearer picture than the one that pops up first in our fear inspired lizard brains, is a big part of my daily practice of strengthening my own mental fitness muscles.
Compassion makes space
A pause for compassion for ourselves and the suffering that comes with being human, can create a little space between the idea we are forming and our emotional response to it. My favourite way to do this is to pause to settle into the sensations of my body, placing my right hand over the softness of my left side heart, and imagining the welling up of love and compassion creating enough warmth to stave off the bitter cold of the shitty story the judge/inner critic/imposter voice, however you want to call it, has been telling me this time round.
I know first hand that turning that love and compassion towards ourselves may seem like the most impossible task that we have set to cross off our already overfilled todo lists each day. I also know that believing the lies of the fear side of our brain only leads to more self-inflicted suffering heaped on top of all the pain that being human already brings. As I have heard myself say on multiple occasions to myself and to my clients, “It is so simple but not at all easy.” Doing whatever we can to get out of our minds when they insist on making a monster out of us and getting into the solace and balance of our bodies is a powerful hope-filled path forward.
Get into your body
Yoga, meditation, dancing, singing, sweat-inducing physical exercise, making music, hugging a friend, getting or giving a massage, are just some of the ways I use to get myself out of the trap of my ruminating mind and into the moment to moment reality of my body. My personal path forward is not to strive to do whatever I can to get others to see, love and accept me. This is really me putting the cart before the horse and is a sure way to set myself up for disappointment when eventually I fall back into the bottomless pit of basing my sense of worth on external validation.
Happy to be real Photo by Sandra Butel
The only person we need is us
RuPaul, whose story of self-love and acceptance is one that has graced so many stages and TV, laptop and smartphone screens says it so succinctly:
“Simply put, you can’t give away something that you don’t have. Finding out how to love yourself is a whole other thing. “That’s a lifelong journey. I’m constantly investing in myself and recognizing that kid who lives inside of me, who needs all the love, who is the one who gets his feelings hurt when I’m not recognised.”
RuPaul
He goes on to say that while others may not recognize who we truly are, that isn’t what matters most.
“The only person who needs to recognise me is me.”
RuPaul
I imagine the courage it must have taken RuPaul to step forward as his true dynamic and utterly unique self into a world that is at least 1/2 filled with people who don’t approve of his artistic vision. His path forward, like mine, like yours, is to go deeper into the unfolding of the stories of our deepest, truest lives and to let ourselves settle into what this whole thing called life is really about in the end.
It’s about love Photo by Sandra Butel
It’s about love
It is about love. It is about finding the way to push aside that toxic voice that reigns supreme in the inside of our heads, taunting us, questioning us, telling us we are not enough or that our demise is just around the corner. It is about finding the way towards a deep sense of love and respect and acceptance for who we are, in all our human frailty and missteps. It is about doing for ourselves what we have been hoping others would do for us. The step by step practice of getting up in the morning and setting to the task of looking at ourselves in the mirror, with no pink lenses, or no negative exaggerations and just seeing again and again and again the beauty of the human standing there. Those same eyes staring back at us, as they always have since we were small, back when the dimples in our cheeks would never stray. They are the same to this day, only the colour and texture of the skin around them changing with the years.
As I prepare myself for what comes next I do so with the assurance that there is no one on this planet that knows me more deeply and that has more love for me than me. Taking charge of being my own best friend is ultimately my gift to the world. One of the things that I have learned in the debris ladened aftermath of the landslide that wiped out my former life, is that it is only by loving myself with everything that I have got that I will be able to truly love somebody else as well.
May we all find our way towards the writing of a kinder, gentler story about ourselves and others.
May we all find ways to lean into the humble beauty of what being human is all about.
May we all find a way to fully love ourselves exactly as we are.
I am Sandra Butel and this is my beautywalk. What’s yours?
beauty of red berries against a deep blue sky Photo by Sandra Butel
Resources for Further Study and Personal Growth
I am here as a coach to work with you to turn your imposter syndrome beliefs into genuine self-love and acceptance. Reach out for your free beautywalk session to see what one on one coaching with me is all about.
When I think about self-love I think about the inspiring work of Sonya Renee Taylor and her beautiful book, The Body is Not an Apology as well as the practice that Liz Gilbert is exploring with her Letters from Love.
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