Made in Japan

coaching self love self care beautywalk Japan friends People Pleaser Sandra Butel — *We Make Noise not Clothes* Photo by Sandra Butel

I am Sandra Butel and this is my beautywalk.

beautywalk is my way of seeing the world around me. It is about waking up each day with the intention to search out the beautiful amongst any difficulties that may come my way. It is holding myself accepting and open to connecting with others whose paths cross with mine in this mystery we call life. beautywalk is my way of sharing what I am learning on my personal journey with anyone who may benefit from my knowledge and reflections.

From Dream to Reality

Over the past few days, I have spent much time imagining all of the beautiful integration I would be doing in the writing of this piece. I imagined the metaphors floating peacefully around me like red and yellow and white balloons amongst soft fluffy clouds. I could feel the magic of the words coming together and the mixture of colors and flavors that would bring something new into the world; something that had taken form inside my head and heart.

These dreamy images and feelings collided abruptly with the reality that was in front of me. If only I didn’t have to go through the awkward stage of mixed and jumbled words to get to the perfect end point that I had imagined. I resisted and found myself back in habit land, avoiding the task at hand with an audio book and coloring on my phone. Finding distractions that would allow me to stay away from the discomfort of painstakingly teasing out one awkward sentence after another into some sense of order and coherence.

Snippets of confusion sound in my brain as Japanese train station announcements, both audio and visual, leave me standing dumbfounded with my train ticket in hand. The warm smile in a masked stranger’s eyes as she reaches forward to give me her assistance without me having to ask. Our lack of a common language does nothing to diminish the connection between us. I feel gratitude for her seeing my confusion, as with a soft bow, she offers her knowledge and time to me.
SB

The Japanese Way

This quiet offering fits well with what I have been learning about Japanese culture over the last two weeks. The universe has provided a magical gathering for Francis and I with our dear Scottish friend Louise and her new Japanese boyfriend, Masura, or Massa for short. There have been so many moments of communion, over food and drink (mostly sake as it gives no hangover!), or while venturing out into our first visit to this beautiful city. The endless discovery by subway, escalator, car or on our own 8 feet walking to discover yet another beautiful place. Massa has been very generously curating both our food and our Tokyo sightseeing menu.

What fun it has been to immerse ourselves in this culture with Massa as our local guide. What insight this immersion has given us into the Japanese way. So many times, I’ve seen these gentle people, the majority of whom have been masked up to keep others safe, ready to carry out another unselfish act whenever they sense that someone else is in need. They are attentive and seem to have a reverence for quiet. This all contributes to the sense of calm and safety that permeates even the busiest of streets in this, the largest city on earth. There is order and there are rules, and we take in a multitude of signs warning us of possible danger, not in an aggressive or preachy way but rather in a way that leaves us feeling that someone has dedicated time and attention to ensuring our safety.

We have gotten deep into conversations with our friends about history and culture and about the struggles that we all have to balance our own selves with the societal expectations that have been placed upon us because of where we were born. Massa, with his soft kind eyes sparkling, speaks to us of the Japanese way, of them not having a word for no, of their focus on harmony and the collective wellbeing. He tells us more about the art of attentive guesswork built right into the Japanese language where there is no You or Me or We and only Us. This helps to shed some light on their widespread efforts to sense what others might need even before they do. Massa shares all this while keeping our sake cups filled up or sneaking out of the apartment to go to the store to grab us more nibbles and drinks. And later, when I suggest we try Karaoke he texts his niece for the trendiest spot, pays for everyone, sorts out the sound system, gives us the microphones and begins curating our musical experience by selecting well known songs. Soon we are belting out classics with our pink and white microphones, oblivious to what key the tune is in.

Louise and I in Tokyo. This incredible moment of love and connection was captured by Francis Marchildon.

East and West

Our cultural mix as a group led us into comparing and contrasting the ideas we had about East and West; as we alternated between looking through either North American or Asian-colored glasses. We talked about the differences between the traditional Japanese tendency to focus on the wellbeing of the collective and the North American propensity to put individual needs first. As our conversations deepened, it became clearer to me that this was not a case of there being one and one wrong way to be; no more than it was about there being one perfect system and one flawed system.

As someone who had long been influenced by the lies of the people pleaser, I could relate to the overwhelming need for harmony that the Japanese were striving to achieve. Always on the lookout for what others might need and twisting myself into knots trying to make everyone happy. I remember with a pang in my chest that feeling of deep fear, that someone will figure out that I am flawed. The People Pleaser says: I am not worthy and soon the love and connection I need will be taken away and I will be all alone. I could only begin to imagine the impact that the people pleaser has had on a whole culture that finds itself caught up in this trap.

The Middle Way

As each of these ideas began to take shape it became evident to me that what I was searching for was what the Buddhists’ call “the middle way”; a way of combining the best elements of each way of being into a new and more balanced whole. What could I adopt from the Japanese way of being? What value could be found in the North American way of being? What could I adopt in my own practices that would bring me closer to my own integrated whole?

As I pondered these questions over days of conversations and quiet moments of discovery with our friends I found myself making an impassioned speech about this very topic. How we must find a way to bring the individual and the collective needs together into a more balanced relationship. I felt my cheeks heating up as I spoke about the need to start with self care; with a practice of making sure our needs are taken care of first.

Love is the Way

I truly believe that, in order to flourish, we must first learn to value and love ourselves. To see ourselves as whole, and worthy, as the perfectly, imperfect human beings that we are. I have seen the transformative power of deep self love and acceptance in my own growth and healing. This foundation of love for myself has enabled me to find a place of internal peace inside and to become more aware of the negativity that permeates the air around all of us. With my self-love as my shield the unpredictable and impersonal slings and arrows of societal norms, the interior workings of my lizard brain, and the ever changing world around me have failed to find their mark and have fallen to the ground at my feet like Banksy’s peaceful flower “bullets”.

Offerings

I am reminded here of the sentiment of Pema Chodron in her book “Welcoming the Unwelcome”, in which she speaks about the purpose of living a virtuous life. According to Buddhist thought it is not about becoming a goody goody and is rather about awakening our hearts and minds so that we are better able to help others. I am suggesting that we take care of ourselves first as a way to awaken our hearts and wisdom so that we might better serve the world around us.

I bend down to gather up the fallen bouquet of all the pain and hurt that has come to me on my life path so far so that I might offer it in turn to others as a sign of beauty and hope. May my efforts serve the collective needs and make the world a kinder and more accepting place.

I am Sandra Butel and this is my beautywalk. What’s yours?

Resources for Further Study and Personal Growth

A few questions that you can ponder in a quiet moment in your day:
- What choices do I need to make to ensure that I find, maintain and honor a deep sense of love and acceptance for myself?
- What one step can I take today to take care of myself so that I become more able to take care of those around me?
- What can I learn from the people around me whose languages, culture, traditions and beliefs are so different from mine?
For more from the wonderful teacher, Pema Chodron, check out one of her many books.
If you are interested in developing your own self-care plan and practices please do not hesitate to reach out to me for a free coaching session. I assure you that developing a relationship with the right coach is a great support in your path towards self-love and acceptance.
My new program From Worry to Worthy offers you an opportunity to investigate your own internal experience of the judge and help you to find ways to connect to the deeper truths of your own heart. Check out the full program details and book your first free session with me to get started. Friends and Family discount applied to all newsletter subscribers and your friends and family too!
If you are interested in signing up for TrustedHouseSitters you can get a 25% discount (as well as pass on 2 free months of membership to me in the process).

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