I would prefer …
Newness … Photo by Sandra Butel
I am Sandra Butel and this is my beautywalk.
beautywalk is my step by step discovery of the inherent beauty of both the external and internal spaces that make up my experience of life. As I move throughout time and space I am able to learn more and more both about my own internal beauty and about the beauty of the world (and the humans) around me. My intention is to use my writing and photography to share the insights and aha moments that have come to me on my travels so that they might bring hope and encouragement to you as you make your way through your own beautywalk of life.
It Started with Lavender Fingernails
Here I am with my newly manicured lavender coloured fingernails tapping away at my laptop that sits on a narrow table quite high up from the floor. My arms are dangling at shoulder height and I am starting to feel the pull of my shoulder muscles as I put some words down on paper. A few hours ago when we were in the mad max type tricycle on the way to our new hotel room, I noticed the plants growing and the colours of the buildings and various little spots that looked like stores. I felt some kind of relief and my energy lifted as I started to think that I was on my way to finding the beauty here in this new part of the world that is Palawan, Philippines.
Island Tree Photo by Sandra Butel
Dis-Orientation
Our trip down to the BayWalk last night to find food and to visit the area that the hotel owner said was pretty was not quite what I expected it to be. Seeing the ramshackle stores and restaurants that are made of every bit of leftover tin in every colour under the rainbow and that offer foods that I have never heard of before left me feeling even more disoriented than I had been feeling before. New country, new currency, new language, new climate, new vegetation, new way of life, new standard of living.
Dis-Ease or The Judge Showed Up
A day of travel without managing to get a solid sleep the night before and the judge came out to have his presence known again. He steps into the recesses of my brain and does his best to build up resentment in me for everyone around me as he lets his preferences be known. His constant chatter telling me that I would prefer there not to be that guy snoring beside me on the plane, or I would prefer if everyone muted their notifications and turned off the sound on the games they are playing on their phones or that I would prefer if the plane took off on time. My body flooded with a sense of righteousness as the judge filled up my head with ideas of how things should have been and how awful it was that they weren’t the way that we would like them to be. The judge alternated between making me out to be the scapegoat for not being zen enough and the blame for the agitation I was feeling firmly landing on the behaviour of the people around me.
From Comfort to …
I was feeling rather far outside of my most recently built comfort zone. The ease I had built had disintegrated and I was left with the task of bringing myself back into balance; into a state of equanimity.
One of the things I have been learning on my latest beautywalk is how very adaptable we are as humans and how quickly we manage to cobble together a new comfort zone when we rest in one place for a while. After a month in Vietnam, Francis and I figured out how to get places and where to go and what each of the strange words meant on the menu and which ones I could not eat with my pork allergy. Our nervous systems adjusted incrementally to the level of noise and activity and we got somewhat used to navigating through the non stop traffic of cars and scooters and occasional bicycles that filled every corner of Hanoi’s streets. We did have a reprieve that helped in this adjustment process with the comfort and quiet of our latest pet sitting home just a 30 minute Grab ride away in Tay Ho where most of the ex-pats live.
… Dis-Comfort
I found myself again back in that place of purgatory between one place I have gotten used to and another that felt totally foreign and that did not fall in line with my preferences. Ah, preferences, here is where the discomfort lies. That idea that we have in our minds as humans that things should be a certain way and that internal battle that arises when things are not the way we had planned them to be.
In the Buddhist tradition they talk about 3 ways of reacting to the way things are - aversion, clinging and neutral. I spent most of the moments of the latest journey in aversion; pushing away the sights and sounds and smells and situations that I came in contact with. I felt a deep need to reject the unfairness of the world with one group of people having so much and taking it all for granted and another group of people scrambling for each little piece of what their body and mind and soul really needs to survive. I could not reconcile the imbalance between “the haves” need for control of every little thing versus “the have-nots” need to cover the most basic of our human needs for food and water and shelter.
As we walked out of our Pension in Puerto Princesca, Palawan, Philippines and made our way towards the sea we found ourselves in the middle of a makeshift village of houses on stilts with bamboo floors and roofs laid out in a quilt like mixture of bits and pieces that will keep the rain off the heads of the people living below. We were walking single file as the way was narrow and I found myself in front and the discomfort I felt of being there and being so obviously not from this place and so much more privileged than everyone living in this place brought me unease that I quickly turned into anger against Francis. He was hanging back and I wanted him to find a way to save me from my uncomfortable feelings. Here was an old pattern that snuck in while I wasn’t watching and that brought with it so much baggage in the form of ideas of how much or little he loved me if he couldn’t make things feel better for me right here and now.
Francis in his happy place photo by Sandra Butel
Internal Dis-Course
What is my role here? Is it to see the state of life around me; to see the people who are pulling together bits and pieces of leftover and broken down things to make a new item, to make a new vehicle? One that takes a motorcycle and turns it into a cart that for a few dollars can carry people around. One that takes a slim wooden boat and surrounds it with the outline of a larger, more stable boat.
If I wasn’t stuck in a state of aversion I would see this as ingenuity. My guess is that in a few days I will come to see it that way but for now I feel out of my league. I do not feel ready to see the truth of the lives that are being led. I am not ready to accept the starving dogs that are wandering the streets hoping for a leftover or even getting so desperate as to eat a baby’s poop right out of the diaper where it landed on the garbage pile. I am suffering in my aversion and not only is it causing me discomfort and pain it is not making any difference to the situation around me except to add in more judgment and negativity in wanting things to be different.
The deeper question that nags at me is “What am I doing here?”. Am I just waving my privilege in their faces and making it worse? What do they feel about me being here? What can I do to make any of it a little bit better?
This question has come up a few times during our travels in Asia and one of the answers I have come up with, through my own internal dialogue or in talking to Francis and Nico, is that, on a most basic level, my job is to come here and spend my money. To bring the money I have made and am making in my work and spread it around so that the situation of a small percentage of the welcoming and generous locals can improve.
Considering that tourism is one of the largest industries in all of the countries we have visited and certainly is the primary economic driver at our most recent stop in the Philippines, then this is one role I can take on. The role of bringing new money into the country and doing whatever I can to spread it around (like changing hotels every few days and trying out different restaurants and drivers, etc) is one that doesn’t fit me that well. I am trying to get at ease with it and figure out when to be generous and when I am fully able to say no when asked to purchase something or take a ride or go on a trip that I don’t really feel I have the capacity to deal with that day. This is definitely a work in progress for me - to find a way to be at ease with my role here and to see what else I can do to add positive energy into whatever situation I, and the people I meet, find ourselves in.
Perspective by Sandra Butel
Wired for Connection
The other answer that keeps circling in my heart, when I can get myself into a place of presence in my body and that neutral acceptance of what is right now, is that I am here as any other human being is to connect with others. That basic need for connection that so many of our brightest thinkers, including Brené Brown, talk about.
“Connection is why we're here. We are hardwired to connect with others, it's what gives purpose and meaning to our lives, and without it there is suffering.”
― Brené Brown, Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead
As we made our way back through the narrow lane from the sea back to the comfort of our temporary accommodation I took a deep breath, arrived into the container of my body and focused my energy on looking people in the eyes, in saying good morning, or hi, or waving my fingers at the children that were intrigued by the presence of this tall middle aged white lady in the yellow and teal dress. I thanked the locals who welcomed us from their benched seats outside of their homes. I nodded my head to the group of men who were playing cards on a plastic table near the entrance to their neighbourhood. I really saw their open smiling faces and I began the process of connecting to the sameness between us all.
While I still have a ways to go before I will feel at ease in this new place I am ready to let go of my aversion and move myself towards a place of neutral acceptance of all that is and all that will be. It is from this place of equanimity that I will be able to bring more of myself to the present moment and into my interactions with my fellow human beings, wherever they may be and whatever their situation may be.
Strengthened by these new experiences and all that they are teaching me, I take a few more steps on my beautywalk towards a deeper connection to the beauty that can be found all around us if we have but eyes (and hearts) to see.
This is Sandra Butel and this is my beautywalk. What is yours?
What are you willing to do today to create new connections with the world (and people) around you?
In what ways are you able to reconcile the inequities in the world and move towards connecting with others?
Beauty is Here and Now by Sandra Butel
A Note from Coach Sandra
If you feel ready to venture (a few steps at a time) on your own beautywalk, establishing a relationship with a coach is a great way to get started. All of the coaches I know offer the first session for free - to give you an idea of what coaching is and what it can do for you. Most importantly this initial session lets both you and the coach see if you are a good fit for one another.
If you want to get yourself into my calendar for a free beautywalk session I would be delighted to meet with you to give you more information. If either of us decides we are not the right fit for one another, I will be happy to suggest other coaches that may be a better fit for you and your areas of interest.
Resources for Further Study and Personal Growth
My new program From Worry to Worthy offers you an opportunity to investigate your own internal experience of the judge and help you to find ways to connect to the deeper truths of your own heart. Check out the full program details and book your first free session with me to get started. Friends and Family discount applied to all newsletter subscribers and your friends and family too!
If you are interested in signing up for TrustedHouseSitters you can get a 25% discount (as well as pass on 2 free months of membership to me in the process).
I am Sandra Butel and this is my beautywalk. What’s yours?
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