Its Not You … It’s Me
Finding my own way. Photo by Sandra Butel
I am Sandra Butel and this is my beautywalk.
beautywalk is that which cannot truly be described in words and yet, here I am every second week attempting to do just that. beautywalk is, as one of my friends recently described it, the name I have given for this current period of my life. Some call this part of life the 2nd half and some go further and call it the 3rd quarter of our lives. Whatever number you want to use, this period of my life has been marked by my daily practice of accepting all of what is and letting go of that which is no longer serving me. My goal is to expand on my ability to value and love myself with the full scope of my beautiful and ever expanding heart. When that self love is solid I have found that I have so much more to give to, and share with, others.
“HOW TO BREAK UP WITH YOUR PHONE” - WEEK 1
The Setting
As I begin my overview of how the past week has gone with my conscious choice to change my relationship with my phone, I am sitting in a beautiful, luminous, quirky cafe in a small French town called Trie sur Baise in Southwest France. A cheery yellow teapot sitting to my right does its job of keeping the rest of my Earl Grey tea warm as the antique white tea cup with pink and yellow roses on my left invites me to take my first milky warm sip. I am at the start of a return house sit with a lovely couple, she American and he British, that my partner Francis and I came to sit with at the same time last year. They have 3 dogs - George Clooney, Clan and Cocoa and one cat called Belle. As I settle into the familiar surroundings I am grateful for the feeling of home, the comfort of catching up with Lisa & Steve, and the superbly comfortable bed in which I fell into dreamland last night.
Le Pain des Lys - writing spot Photo by Sandra Butel
The Task
As some of you may know from my last blog and my daily posts on social media, I am at the start of a 30 day process outlined in Catherine Price’s “How to Break Up With your Phone”. As I write this I am on the 6th day of tasks that Price has outlined to help us to create a more fulfilling relationship with our phones.
Why this? Why now?
I noticed that as I traveled around from house sit to house sit, writing and coaching, enjoying long walks and much time alone for introspection, that there were times when I have gotten very wrapped up in my phone. I noticed that I would not feel so great after a particularly long seance of phone scrolling and staring at my screen. My eyes would feel dry and I would have trouble focusing on details of the world around me. Many of my healthy habits and intentions would have been tossed to the side and I would end up not eating well, not sleeping well, and generally moving away from my clear intention to take extra special care of myself so I could take extra special care of the world around me.
First steps
My first step had been taken a few weeks back as I found a place to charge my phone and computer that was not in my bedroom. The second step I took was to purchase an adorable vintage alarm clock at a vide grenier (French version of a garage sale or flea market) so that I would not need to use my phone to wake me up in the morning. The third step was for me to notice that Catherine Price’s book was actually already on my phone in the Libby app that conveniently holds books (in audio and print form) without adding any extra weight to my backpack.
The Book
I highly recommend you give this one a read. I took copious notes and had many moments of insight from Price’s precise research and easy to read writing style. She outlines the how and what and why of our addiction to our phones. She delves into the question of who benefits from this widespread addiction and explores the negative impacts it has had on us as individuals and as a society. She also presents a clear step by step action plan that can help us (if we dare to follow it) create a more satisfying and beneficial relationship with this well established and handy device.
Week One - Technology Triage
“The point of breaking up with our phones isn't to deprive ourselves of the benefits of modern technology. It's to set boundaries so that we can enjoy the good parts of our phones while also protecting ourselves from the bad. That's why we need to do a technology triage. In this stage, we will use mindfulness – and apps – to gather data about our current relationships with our phones so that we can identify what's working, what's not, and what we want to change.” (Price, pg 114)
The guiding question that Price poses is
“If our lives are what we pay attention to then …
What do you want to pay attention to?”
What do I want to pay attention to?
That was certainly a good way to start in this first week of practice. For me, this has been one of the central questions of my work over the last few years. Choosing the type of life I want to have and choosing the habits and actions that support that life. Paying attention to the moment I am in, to how I am feeling in my body, to what sorts of experiences create negative reactions in me, etc. My goal in this beautywalk stage of my life is to know what I am doing when I am doing it and to have a clear idea of what my actions are serving and where I am going with each of the steps I am taking.
For this particular exercise I want to pay attention to how often I am reaching for my phone, how I feel before I reach for it and how I feel after I have lost myself in it for a while. I also want to pay attention to the plethora of actions I can take to gain more control over this helpful tool by first understanding more clearly how it has been designed to pull me in, over and over again. I want to take time to reflect on both the helpful and the unhelpful aspects of what my phone has to offer and to come up with clear boundaries that will assist me in creating the relationship I want to have.
Seeing the patterns and choosing what serves me photo by Sandra Butel
The Actions
This week I have assessed my current relationship with my phone by starting to pay deeper attention to how and when and why I am using it. I have also started to notice how other people are using their phones and how much of the world is passing us all by while we are looking down at our phones. I have cleaned up my home screen, leaving only the very basic useful apps (Tool apps in Price’s words) and putting all the social apps (the ones Price calls either Junk Food apps or Slot Machine apps) into folders on the second screen of my phone. I have deleted the social media apps from my phone and have been logging into them on an internet browser instead. I have found that the extra steps it takes to get to the apps means I am not drawn into logging into them quite so often. Out of sight has meant, for me this week, somewhat more out of mind.
An AHA moment
As I travel from place to place my phone serves a very useful purpose as a holder for my plane, train and bus tickets. It also allows me to find my way around through the maps app. I also realized how much time I spend on my phone while I am in transit; as I saw this time as time to be endured, always a good excuse for reading, playing games and getting drawn into the dope-amine rollercoaster of social media. With this week’s goal in mind of paying more attention I gave myself the gift of experimenting with not using my phone during my flight and train journey unless it was absolutely necessary. I ended up with extra time to do a long meditation, have a lovely nap and focus my attention on watching the countryside go by. I also focused in on the people who were gathered around me.
This focused attention on what was happening while it was happening led to a feeling of love and gratitude that flooded my heart. I had a big smile on my face as I looked around at the people around me and I had a couple really lovely connections of exchanging words with people who were standing or sitting nearby. I felt light and happy and grateful for all that had to happen for me to be in this place at this moment in time. I thanked the bus driver and the flight attendant and was able to feel compassion for the people who were glued to their phones every moment of their voyage. I also noticed that I did not feel the exhaustion and impatience I normally feel while travelling.
Missteps
I, of course, being human, had my own missteps this week where I allowed the impact of habit bundling to get me off track of a series of habits that have been serving to bring me much joy in my life. It started with beers in a Barcelonian market which led to coffee at night, then chocolates, chips, licorice candy and many hours of Netflix bingeing, while simultaneously colouring on my phone. I ended up with a sore tummy and blurry eyes as well as being tired out the next day as the caffeine and sugar disrupted my sleep.
Ah, the humility of being human. It is such a gift to keep me from getting too attached to an idea of how things must be or how I must be at all times. I am human and this means that I will gain and lose focus many times each day. The trick is to know that bringing back my focus is what my greatest intention is and to know, deep down, that I will get back to it when I am ready.
More Social … less media by Sandra Butel
What’s next?
Coming back to (real) life and developing a list of things I like to do. Giving up some of the time sucking properties of my cellphone is going to give me a whole bunch of time to dedicate to things that I have always loved to do. This means taking some time to remember what I like to do and to make plans for the types of experiences I want to have with my new found time. I got a list of the markets in the area, will be looking for some more vide-greniers and got tips from Lisa on long walks I can take with George Clooney, as well as a lake where I can have a swim. I picked up a hard copy book from the living room library and have already enjoyed a tea outside in a cozy chair and taken some time to read another’s words. I made my way to this lovely cafe for a different type of setting for writing and to enjoy the ins and outs of life of some of the locals who call this place home. I am feeling peaceful and grounded and excited about the week to come.
What else will I learn about myself in this process?
What else will I be able to share with you, my readers, that might bring a little light to your days?
Only time will tell.
Finding my best beautywalk by Sandra Butel
A Note from Coach Sandra
A word here with my coach hat on. This blog is not meant to push you into doing something you are not ready to do. I was ready for it and decided to take this step in my personal life. I thought that going through this process myself and documenting it and sharing it with you, could be a gentle nudge to others to take a look at their own choices when it comes to their phones. As I know very well from my personal work and my work with clients, the work and readiness has to come from a place deep inside of you and you have to be ready to take on these types of processes. This is a societal problem and as the technology plays on the ways our brain works the type of attraction the phone offers is a very difficult one to resist.
If you are interested in doing this work and developing your ability to choose more things that serve you, establishing a relationship with a coach is a great way to get started. All of the coaches I know offer the first session for free - to give you an idea what coaching is and what it can do for you and to let you and the coach see if you are a good fit together. If you want to get yourself in my calendar for a free beautywalk session I would be delighted to give you more information and see if the coaching process is right for you at this time.
Resources for Further Study and Personal Growth
More information on the work of Catherine Price who wrote How to Break Up with Your Phone or https://www.nytimes.com/2018/02/13/well/phone-cellphone-addiction-time.html
My new program From Worry to Worthy offers up an opportunity to remove the barriers to the life you have always wanted. Check out the full program details and book your first free session with me to get started.
If you are interested in signing up for TrustedHouseSitters you can get a 25% discount (as well as pass on 2 free months of membership to me in the process).
I am Sandra Butel and this is my beautywalk. What’s yours?
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