Set my people (pleaser) free
Du Thé jà Vu photo by Sandra Butel
I am Sandra Butel and this is my beautywalk.
beautywalk is my ongoing attempt to investigate the nooks and crannies of my humanness and to share that with you so that you might also find your way towards a deeper connection to yourself and others.
Déjà Vu with The People Pleaser
As I take a break from a series of house sits across the West Coast and make my way with my partner, Francis to visit family and friends in Calgary and Montreal, I find myself face to face with my old friend the “People Pleaser”. Finding myself amongst people I have known for a long time is a good opportunity to delve more deeply into the overuse of the desire to be liked that makes up a big part of what the Positive Intelligence program categorizes as the Pleaser Saboteur.
In essence this very popular saboteur takes our natural human strengths of empathy, love and generosity and turns them into the inflexible belief that in order to be liked we have to constantly help, please or rescue others. By doing so, we end up burning ourselves out. When we are under the influence of the Pleaser Saboteur we not only lose sight of who we are and of what we need, we also become super resentful of the people around us who we have been “helping”.
While under the influence of the pleaser saboteur we give over our sense of worthiness in the attempt to get external validation from others. We end up in a cycle of working harder and subjugating more and more of our needs and energy to others. We end up exhausted, impatiently waiting for others to tell us we are now worthy enough to be a valued human being.
Searching for Oxygen by Sandra Butel
Women and People Pleasing
As a coach I have found that many of the women I work with struggle to resist the lies of the pleaser. These lies are not only part of how our brain keeps us ready to run, freeze or get ready for battle, they also are reflected in the societal stereotypes around gender role expectations for us as women.
How many different messages have we received as women that our jobs in society are to take care of everyone else around us?
How many times have we been told that taking time for ourselves is selfish and misguided and that we will get to taking care of ourselves when everyone else has been taken care of?
We have certainly not been taught to put our oxygen masks on first before assisting others. By helping others first, we end up running out of oxygen ourselves. It is time for us to put ourselves first and to ensure our breath is flowing freely before we reach out to help others.
It’s Time for YOU by Sandra Butel
Bye Bye Pleaser
As the title of this blog suggests, the pleaser saboteur is one that has had a great influence on me in my life. I have followed its path of lies for many years and have worked tirelessly to arrive at the magical place of “enough”; the point at which my efforts would be celebrated and I would finally feel that I was worthy of love and connection.
My time of reflection and learning and growth over the last few years has allowed me to see this pattern more clearly and to begin to delve into a better way of being in the world.
My own path of becoming what one of my coaching colleagues referred to as a “Recovering People Pleaser” has taught me many things that might be of use to you if you find yourself trapped in this cycle as well. A few of the steps that I took that could help you in your path of recovery are as follows:
Take time and energy to focus on creating some healthy boundaries for yourself (mine were very, very loose and tended to protect others much more than they protected me). A good resource here is Nedra Tawwab’s book “Set Boundaries, Find Peace”. Learn to say “no”. You can start with little things at first and gradually as you get more comfortable, build up to areas of your life where there is real conflict.
Delve into focusing your energy on finding deep and true love for yourself instead of working for others to love you. (The sage strength of empathy is very useful here and spending time in mindful reflection with your childhood picture is a good way to reconnect with the deep empathy for yourself that exists inside of you).
Find the Courage to be Disliked after reading about, and experimenting with, Adlerian Psychology and the idea that some tasks are yours and others are not. This will involve becoming very clear on what things we can control (how we are in a situation) and what we cannot (how others act or how they see us).
Your pure heart is like this baby kitten photo Sandra Butel
Love Not Fear
In my beautywalk journey I have focused on my own tasks and on my own learning and growth and I have grown, little by little, to rediscover my true self as the loving and glowing human being that I have always been. I am dedicated to sharing my true vibrant self with the world in any way possible in the hopes that I can be the guide that I so needed in my past life. The guide that would have gently suggested to me that there was another way to be in the world, that life could be lived by love and not by fear and that I had the power within to make that shift happen.
Yes and Yes and Yes again by Sandra Butel
Self-Reflection
Is the people pleaser saboteur causing the same types of issues in your life?
Do you long to be freed from the illusive and endless burden of finding and maintaining external validation?
Which burdens are you carrying that are not yours to be carrying?
How great would it feel to put those burdens down?
Are you looking for a deeper connection to your authentic beautiful self?
Reach Out
Reach out to me and we can begin some work together.
I assure you that there are answers out there for you and that a deeper connection to yourself and to the work that you love will be the result of focused time on your mental fitness and health.
Resources and Next Steps
For more on setting boundaries take a look at Nedra Tawwab’s work, including her book Set Boundaries Find Peace
For more on Adlerian Psychology delve into The Courage To Be Disliked.
For more on how to build your mental fitness check out Positive Intelligence.
If any of my beautywalk resonates with you and you want to delve into your own self love or learn more about the PQ program reach out to me to schedule a free beautywalk session
Share this newsletter with others by clicking the icons below: